Dog Roses
by hajimenokizu
Summary: The wolf and a secret he kept from his wife.During the wars he stepped aside for his friend.Now that Okita Souji is dead and he is married, how will he choose between the two?The woman of his passion or the woman whom he had promised?Alternate! Adultery
1. Then and Now

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Rating will be changed for later chapters.

Chapter 1: Then and Now

It's been too long that I've waited, perhaps that is the reason why I find myself in front of Matsudaira accepting his proposal. A marriage with a woman named Takagi Tokio, a woman of Aizu from a prominent samurai clan. Well bred and educated, there was really nothing I could complain about, even her beauty surpasses most women I have met. Noting the heart shaped face of the woman in the picture, I hand it back to Matsudaira.

"I'll arrange for you to meet her father. There should be no problems since I already told him in advance that I have every faith in your ability to protect and keep his daughter happy."

I watch the Daimyo of Aizu in indifference. There's nothing to object to nor anything to be ecstatic about. I merely nod at his eagerness to marry me off. Apparently he's taken it upon himself to make sure former Shinsengumi members were "secured" off one way or another. Perhaps it is because he still feels badly that he left Kondou-san out to dry. He still had political power back then but keeping that influence meant sacrifices and unfortunately Kondou-san was considered disposable. Not surprising as he did order us to assasinate Serizawa while we were still the Miburoshi to keep face. To be totally honest I don't want to be used as a token, but there's nothing else I see in the future except perhaps to commit seppuku. Taking the cup of sake that just arrived, I listen to him continue.

"Aside of course from my recommendation, your new job as Police Inspector will prove favorable to the Takagi's. The Meiji pays well and there are special privileges."

My hands stops mid-way. The allure of sake quickly losing it's appeal, I place the cup down preparing my rebuttal.

"I am not interested in special privileges." I reply with an edge to my voice. "Especially if it is from the Meiji government."

The Daimyo taps my shoulder lightly. Chuckling a bit.

"Well then don't worry about it. I'm just telling you it's there if ever you should need it."

This man is sometimes incorrigable. So I stand abruptly ready to leave, not caring if he will be jilted and have me thrown back to prison. Instead he does not stop me and continues to chuckle.

"Fujita Goro... Do not be late tomorrow."

Raising my hand in acknowledgment, I close the door with a definite "thud" at the end. Sometimes people, even Matsudaira are morons.

I walk out of the castle, pass the courtyard onto the streets. At least for an ahou like Matsudaira he was able to rebuild Aizu. The streets were a bit barren and dark but there were still some shops open. A few yards down the street I see a soba stand but I am not hungry at all. So I walk past it, not really thinking of where my destination will lie.

Tomorrow I shall meet in person the woman I am to marry and her family too. This moment I cannot at all care, the only thing important is to shake this weariness that has been tugging at me since that conversation. Perhaps I do not want to commit, at least not to that woman.

In Kyoto there was someone I had been looking at. A woman who disguised herself as a man and who eventually fell in love with a man whom I deemed as my brother, Okita Souji... He had always been so open about it with us. Whether he told her of his feelings himself, I sincerely doubted it. He was shy about his women and I of course did not encourage his feelings. Being at the brink of war, one cannot think too much about that, at least that's what I told him. It is true. I had no doubt in my answers everytime he inquired. But for myself, there was another reason... Because I secretly hoped that his affection will pass and then maybe I can show myself to her after the war was over. Perhaps I was being underhanded... Perhaps... But I never had plans to step in between them. There are after all unspoken codes shared between men. That no man should covet his friend's woman. The plan was to be patient and see if Okita will own her or not. Whether he still wanted her or not. I will be a bystander until he decided. It is amusing how one can make "plans", "preparations", "strategies" and still end up writing them on water.

Okita of course died in Edo while we were at war in Toba-Fushimi. I had heard she visited him quite often and I was sincerely glad, for he needed that because we could not be with him at his last moment. The last letter I received from Hide was a very disturbing one, she seemed distraught as I read between the lines. If I could be there to help her I would've, but we were pushed back from Toba-Fushimi and the Bakufu forces were almost annihilated. We sortied in Aizu to make sure it did not fall into enemy hands. Under the Daimyo we fought and the letters stopped, rather I do not know if she ever sent one again for I had heard from Hijikata-san himself that Souji succumbed to tuberculosis.

Finally an interesting shop comes into view. It is decorated rather simply and of foreign writings on the door. Having nothing better to do, I enter out of curiousity.

"Irrashaimase!"

Bowing in acknowledgment I scan the small room. There are bottles of what I think is foreign liquor and on another shelf a most peculiar looking cardboard box.

"What is that?" I motion to the boxes stacked one over another. There are gold, red, blue and silver colors. Quite delightful to the eye actually.

"Tobacco sir... A new type which comes from Europe."

I tilt my head still not grasping what she is saying. Tobacco comes in small round containers and is used with a pipe. I glare back at her for being absurd.

"Oh! You should try it sir. Here I'll get you a pack." She reaches down and comes out with a gold pack, slightly the size of playing cards and some matches.

"Dozo!"

She hands it to me and I take one look. It's foreign and it's decorated in gold. It must cost a small fortune.

"Iie. I am not interested." I move the foreign object back to her.

"Oh please take it. We are new here and would really like to establish business."

"I do not have enough money for something this frivolous." I insist.

"Iie! Consider this a gesture of good business. You can take it for free and I hope you come back again soon."

Narrowing my eyes at the stubborn woman. I take the package. She does not strike me as a person who will take no for an answer. And I do not want to stay here any longer.

"Alright."

I leave the store noting it's location. If this tobacco is any good I will return. I never was a tobacco smoker.. Much less a "cigarette" smoker. My preference has always been hot sake for it calmed my nerves during those battles. It even saved me once in buddha hall. Smirking I note the inconsistency of that thought... No the sake almost killed me in battle for I was hot from drinking and I wanted to take off the chainmail. If the chainmail wouldn't have stuck to my haori, I could've probably died that night.

Opening the small package I note the clear wrapping. Interesting... The gold color is actually embossed on cardboard itself. Taking the "cigarette" out, I try to figure out which end to place on my lips. Deducing from it's looks I place the foam end on my lips and lighted the other end which contained the dried grass.

I had watched Hijikata-san smoke his pipe many times before so I inhale, making sure it travelled through my throat and lungs slowly. I feel hazy for an instant and my eyes slightly teary from the smoke that was inconveniently too close. But after a few more puffs I realize that the effect is mildly similar to the effect of hot sake. Calming... Walking back from where I came, I feel slightly more relaxed and my thoughts wandered once again.

To Kyoto... The generous household that housed my comrades. To the broom that was always held upright when we first came. To the old woman who turned it down towards the earth signaling our welcome. To that girl who unsuccesfully hid herself from me. It was always puzzling why no one ever noticed... There were times I had wanted to shout at everyone not to treat her so roughly. But I knew her cover would be broken and that would not be a good thing for that household so I kept my mouth shut. But maybe that wasn't such a good idea... For while I leaned on the engawa, Souji showed her kendo thinking she was a man. Perhaps that is what they call fate and she... She did not notice I watched her quietly from a distance. That I was watching her not as hidejiro-kun... But simply as Yagi Hide.

I choke for a moment... Forgetting I had inhaled rather forcefully. Grinning I crush the cigarette under my boots and take another one out... This is rather good. Perhaps it is also fate I chanced upon that small shop.

Note:

Matsudaira Katamori – Daimyo of Aizu who supported the Shinsengumi. He was the protector of Kyoto

Okita Souji – Captain of the First Troop of the Shinsengumi

Yagi Hide (Hidejiro) – Sole daughter of the Yagi household who is Okita Souji's love interest. (Hidejiro) was her name during the time she disguised herself as a man when the Shinsengumi came to live in Mibu.

The broom when turned upright means that the household wants the guest to leave quickly. When the right side is up for the broom it means signifies that the guest is very much welcome.

To those who didn't know. Tokio and Saitou were in an arranged marriage facilitated by the Daimyo himself.

(This fic was inspired by NHK Shinsengumi and a friend. The Saitou Hajime in this case is a cross between history and Rurouni Kenshin)


	2. New and Old

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Adultery... Do not read if no likey! Rating will be changed for later chapters.

Chapter 2: New and Old

It is still dark when I awoke. A sliver of light disturbs the room where Tokio and I are sleeping. Which reminds me, Tsutomu is also with us. Standing up, I glance back at the bed watching my wife and son sleep peacefully. It has been two years since we've been married and moved here to Tokyo. I have been working a rather boring job in the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department for quite some time now, waiting for a bigger assignment aside from civilian cases. Being a former Shinsengumi of course makes things a bit harder for the Meiji to completely trust a person such as myself for undercover field work. I shall have to wait patiently and be content for now...

A grin settles on my face as I watch my son. He turns and murmurs something about candy and I cannot help but wonder at how much my life has changed since he was born. Somehow my life suddenly came a bit more personal... That the things I do now as a police officer made sense. I can only thank providence that having connections in the system, at least gives me the opportunity to practice the tenet of Aku Soku Zan, even if it is admittedly, on a much smaller basis. The streets of Tokyo.

Moving quietly I close the bedroom door, stopping by the kitchen to grab a cup of tea. I had always slept lightly and perhaps as each day passes, my life seems to turn into something more 'normal'... Maybe that is what is driving me to get to work earlier each day. That and Japan's crooks never does go to sleep. Grabbing the katana and my jacket I venture out heading for the precinct.

* * *

"Ohayo Saitou-kun."

I bow stiffly to the Chief of Police Kawaji. I heard he was newly promoted, through what means, well I'd rather not know. There are too many in the force that got their position by sly means and if I am going to be working for Kawaji, then it is better not to know -too- much about him. At least till the time is ripe and I can actually get away from practicing my own brand of justice.

"You are quite early today. Keep up the good work!"

This man is too enthusiastic for my taste... Typical of those newly in power. Nodding once again, I go past him and head for a cluster of desks just behind the reception area. There are a few men already starting to gossip amongst themselves and I cannot help but let out an exasperated sigh. There are a few offices across from us and right now I am just about ready to take one for myself just to enjoy some peace and quiet while working on the multitude of papers that everyone seems to stack on my desk.

Going through them, the rather trifle cases I throw immediately to the trash. Let some other ahou take care of it, has always been my motto, if it did not spark my interest. Unfortunately today, nothing in particular leaped out at me so they all ended up in the garbage and I am left without anything to do. Propping my feet up on the table, I rest the back of my head on both of my hands and stared at the ceiling.

"You bored?"

Turning my head, I'm surprised. Once again the infernal Chief is standing in front of me. He'll probably give me more paperwork to do, so I slowly stood up and took my jacket.

"I'll go out on patrol or something."

He hands me a note once again that infernal smile. As if he knew something I didn't. That's disturbing, considering he's new here. Reading it, I can feel my eyes narrow. A new assignment. A -real- one in Kyoto.

"You better go home and pack." Kawaji said smiling.

* * *

It is once again quiet... In this house it is always quiet but right now it is quite different. Tokio has decided to sequester herself in the kitchen and my son is in another room sleeping.

"Tokio..." I call out her name, knowing she'll probably not turn and see me.

"Yes Hajime-san?"

As I've known she would not turn. She never did take it well when I left longer than necessary. However unless she tells me what's on her mind and what is bothering her, then I cannot do anything but do what's already been planned and what is -my- duty.

"I shall see you in a few weeks." I finally finish and turn to leave. This is the break I've been waiting for a long time. To actually -work- undercover and not just hold some -secret- title. Perhaps I am feeling a little guilty leaving like this... Not telling her enough and yet I cannot bring myself to divulge more information to her. If she is interested she will ask. Stopping by the other room I watch as Tsutomu sleeps. It's amazing really, being a father in this day and age. Only a few years ago, I had thought life had indeed ended. It's surprising how a child can change your outlook in life. That you actually wanted to keep on living just to see them grow, make mistakes and help correct them.

"Hajime-san..." Her soft voice calls out to me and I turn slightly surprised. "Here's a bento, the trip will be long and..."

"Domo." I bow slightly. "I shall take care."

Giving her a light peck on the cheek, I notice her skin is warm and soft. She is everything a man could possibly ask for in this day. Beautiful, from a good family and silent... Silence, I had always equated it to support and perhaps it is. A quiet comfort that lends me strength to continue. I smile at her. Yes ours is an arrange marriage but somehow it -is- working.

* * *

Alighting from the train, I am once again in Kyoto. A lot has not changed with the place, except for the excellent transportation system, there is still the air of old luxury and elegant although antiquated establishments lined the streets. Kyoto is everything that is old. Stuck in time. Somehow though I think this is not just circumstance but rather the Meiji itself has conveniently ignored developing the area, perhaps for spiteful reasons.

Maa... That did not matter anymore. I am just going to be here for a few weeks while inspecting the heads of the Kyoto Police Department. Yet this place brings back old memories... -Discomforting- ones, of bloodied streets and fallen comrades... We patrolled these streets back in the Bakumatsu. Keeping the Bakufu safe was top priority and with the help of the residents itself, we were able to keep the peace, even if it was just for a few years.

I decide not to hail a carriage for I know every nook and cranny of Kyoto, particularly Shimabara and Mibu. Ah yes... Mibu... There were some good memories there, yet they are only -that- memories. Passing the familiar streets and taking in the old air... I purposely took a wrong turn. It will not be till the afternoon I am expected... And there are -old- friends I have not seen in a while.

As I drew near to my destination, the trees are bare and it reminded me of scarecrows at night... Scarecrows and blood that was spilled many times on the grey pavements... For once I am glad that the pavements are now cracked letting the blood seep into the ground. Ah... Such thoughts always linger I suppose for a manslayer. We were demons back then, perhaps I still am now. But there was a place where we all returned to, where we were welcome as people and not as butcherers.

Knocking on the door of a decent sized estate, I wonder again what I am doing here. Ah... That's right to settle old ghosts and move on... I've conveniently avoided hearing what has happened to the Yagi's... During the time in Aizu I have heard that the lady of the house died but the rest were doing fine with their families, so I decided to leave it at that. But now I am here I should pay my respects... At least to the old man Yagi.

"Sumimasen! Is anyone home?" I call and stood by the door, suddenly aware that my clothes are not appropriate for such a meeting. I should've stopped by an inn and changed to something more formal, instead of having blue pants and a black shirt.

The door opens and at once I know that my premonition was correct. The servant looked at me up and down hesitant to let me in. Kyoto is an old city... It's people still dress in kimonos, hakamas and yukatas.

I am led to a room and I wait sitting in Seiza while another servant serves some green tea. Finally a familiar face comes into view... And I nod slightly at him, he's grown. How time flies...

"Saitou-san! Sashiburi na!" He exclaims while sitting immediately opposite of me.

"Yes Yuunosuke... It's been a while."

"What brings you here to Kyoto Saitou-san? We have not heard from you..." Suddenly looking hesistant he continues, "We thought you had died like the others."

The others... Yes... A lot of them had died... For a moment I narrow my eyes and they glow a soft amber at the mention of my comrades at arms.

"Sumanai... I have been roaming the past few years before finally settling in Tokyo. It's quite a ways from here..." I shrug , and It is uncomfortable to bring back old memories, I thought to myself. "How is Yagi-san? Tamesaburou? And Hidejiro?"

The young man's face suddenly drops a notch at the mention of his father. Of course I should've known...

"Chichi is dead... He died only a year ago of disease..."

Bowing down and bringing my hands in front I utter an apology for bringing up an inconvenient subject. At once though he pulls on my shoulder shaking his head.

"Nothing to be sorry about Saitou-san. Chichi has lived a full life... And most of us are doing well here in Kyoto.. Why Tamesaburou married a few years ago and now has two sons and a daughter... And Hide..."

I nod and slightly grin... Yes Hide... Not Hidejiro... Why did I forget that?

"Onee-san has married into a wealthy family..."

"That's good." Suddenly I am finding a dissapointed expression crossing my face. Truly... It is inappropriate to feel this way.

"Hai... Perhaps you shall want to meet them tonight. We usually have dinner together."

The young man beams happily and it is hard not to decline. So not wanting to be more obligated in anything else aside from dinner, I stood up bidding him goodbye. I still have to procure lodgings here in Kyoto.


	3. Him and Her

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Rating will be changed for later chapters.

Chapter 3: Him and Her

I finally found residence not at an inn but a machiya, a trademan's home where his store is right in front of the house and the living quarters at the back. I should've known that the upcoming Gion festival would render the place teeming with tourist and even Japanese from various parts of the country. Perhaps it is not such an inconvenience, the festival itself has been ongoing for almost a thousand years and it does bring income to Kyoto. It is too bad that a grand city is being pushed to the side by the government itself while it establishes Tokyo as Japan's capital. I would even go so far as to say that the stubborness of those living here to stick to the traditional, has been partly strengthened by the alienating experience the people here felt during and after the Bakumatsu.

Lazily smoking a cigarette inside the garden, I am quite grateful that the owner, as long as I pay him generously, found no reason to meddle in what I do. It is good to have privacy and I value it quite highly. Looking around and letting my eyes peer at the open shoji doors, I finally realize how Kyoto is slowly changing. Back in the Bakumatsu, shops like these would never even consider renting out their place to a transient visitor. It must be because times here in Kyoto are more peaceful and there is a lot of competition at the foreign owned inns and hotels. Perhaps it is good that there -is- competition, the rates for rent has gone down quite a bit and the influx of visitors have risen in the last few years. At least that's what I had garnered from the reports. It's been too long since I visited Kyoto, only because it holds bitter memories for myself.

Ah yes old memories... I close my eyes as the wonderful smell of tobacco filled my nostrils.

_"Saitou-kun come with me to the storehouse we have captured one of the Ishin's spy."_

_"What shall it be today Hijikata-san?"_

_We'll start with the water interrogation first of course. Hold his head long enough under water and see if he'll -talk-._

_"Alright. What if he doesn't."_

_"Then I'll take over Saitou-kun. Try your best though, it would be best or he'll die."_

_"Hai fukuchou!"_

_It always takes quite a length of time before any of these Ishins would talk, and this one Furutaka is a stubborn fool. I finally gave up drowning his face in the water after two hours and emerge from the storeroom, heading for the Fukuchou's quarters to report. The man will die of course, but that is now out of my hands. Walking the lengths of the engawa, I chance upon Souji just returning from patrol. Ah good, looks like his men are all intact._

_"Saitou-san! Good evening!" Souji stops and looks me over. "Eh... Your hakama is wet."_

_"I know that..."_

_"Do we have another prisoner?"_

_"Yes..."_

_"Eh... I sure hope you kept the interrogation down... It would be embarassing for the Yagis."_

_"That cannot be helped, but yes I know what you mean."_

_"That's very good Saitou-san. Ne! When you're done come have dinner with us. I heard it will be Hide's cooking tonight!" Souji brings his hand together in glee. The young woman has certainly garnered his attention. Perhaps that's not such a bad thing. We all need something to keep our wits about us... However, there are times I had wondered if it would've been much better had he fancied someone else. _

_"I'll try." I answer him with a lie. There is no need for me to torture myself and see them together. Aside from this, I do have work to do and cannot be as carefree as Souji. This will pass I'm sure. I should really one of these days stop by in Shimabara, that should help ease this phase. I walk briskly past Souji, wondering why I'm so fixated on that girl. It was not like we have spoken at any great lengths. Perhaps it is because she is the only decent woman of our age who is always around. Yes... That must be it. It is because I have not had a woman's acquaintance... Shimabara should fix that._

I shake my head slightly. I should remember those tactics taught by the Fukuchou back then, I shall need them soon. It would be a good practice and if this mission works out well, perhaps I'll be assigned to spy for some Meiji official and stop some corruptness in the government. I get up from where I am seated and walked the length of the engawa towards my room. It is getting dark and in less than an hour I shall have to be back at the Yagis. Ah yes... The Yagis... Back then it was indeed a phase, every man goes through it... The need to settle down, just like I had gone through it once again with Tokio.

Removing my uniform, I take out a plain formal looking kimono I had procured earlier. I wince at having to wear it again. I've been so used to wearing just a shirt and pants lately, it feels right after having to spent almost two years now in a Keikan's uniform. I dress quickly and leave from there. Saying goodbye to the owner, I tell him no one is to go to my room while I am not there. I am -not- expecting any guests.

The walk is not too far, Mibu is rather small now that I think about it as I pass the temple. At least I have no official plans for tonight, otherwise I'd be force to cancel this. Although, I cannot quite place why I am rather apprehensive tonight. I knock on the gates in a firm and even manner, what greeted me was Tamesaburou. Again, I'm reminded that time here has passed quickly. It is ironic that the past three years, even after being married to Tokio, time seems to have slowed down unbearably for myself. Probably because I did find some peace and that somehow it is an alienating experience.

"Konban-wa Saitou-san!" He smiles and bows to me and I do the same. "Yuunosuke has told me of your visit earlier Saitou-san. You must forgive me, I had been so involved in my writing lately..."

"Don't worry about it." I tell him, watching as he suddenly grins. I wonder what he is thinking. The Yagi's and I were never particularly close, especially Tamesaburou. Not that I found him disagreeable, between us, there was nothing to talk about.

I am led to the main room where each one of us are given solitary trays. I sit quietly in Seiza waiting for the others to seat themselves. Yuunosuke decides to sit across from me and I nod to him, while Tamesaburou took the head of the room. I glance around a slim man of medium height seats himself beside myself and I vaguely wonder who he could be. I do not recall seeing him at all before. Still I keep to myself, I just do not have anything to say at the moment.

"Fujita-san!" Yuunosuke breaks the silence. "Please meet nee-chan's husband, Nagaoka Todou."

"Nice to meet you Fujita-san." He gives me a slight nod and I acknowledge it.

"The women should come soon." Yuunosuke laughs, "Women... I'm so glad I'm not married yet!"

"Hey Yuunosuke... Don't speak like that. We have a guest." Tamesaburou reprimands him and yet I see a slight smile on his face. It looks like if I'm not mistaken, that women in this household are probably -slow- to move. Perhaps it is natural for women... Sometimes I think Tokio does the same thing.

"Gome gome!" Yuunosuke waves his hand and rolls his eyes on his brother, "But I sure am glad the children had gone to bed early or else we'd be running around trying to catch them... Especially Kioko!"

"Again Yuunosuke... We -have- a guest."

"It's alright Tamesaburou-san." I raise my hand, "It would be a shame not to know how the Yagi's do from day to day. It has after all been almost ten years." I say amused at the two brothers. It looks like they do like to bicker, which is fine. I am feeling quite well rested so I can tolerate this.

"Ah here they are!" Yuunosuke exclaimed. "What took you two so -long-? I was starving and I'm sure the guest is too." Yuunosuke nods at me and I turn to look at the direction of the door. A tall woman emerges first and seats herself to Tamesaburou's right and finally I see her... Hide... I quickly turn my gaze at the tray in front of me, feeling quite displaced all of a sudden. I cannot put my finger on it but my feeling of restfulness banished.

"Fujita-san, this is my wife Hanako." Tamesaburou looks at his wife admiringly before finally turning to where Hide is sitting. "And of course you already know my sister."

"Hai hai..." I nod to both of them.

Hide looks towards me and I try not to avert my eyes. Instead I look at her directly. I wonder why she is looking at me quite strangely... Then it hits me, everyone at this table has been calling me by my new name. She probably is confused.

"Yes Hide-san... It is -I-, Fujita Goro." I chuckle a bit, "It must be odd to see an old man..." I had wanted to add or a "ghost" but in these situations being too familiar will not be proper.

She bows deeply bringing her hands together, "It is good to see you again Fujita-san... Did you meet my husband?"

"Ah.. Yes of course." I say in an even manner. I wonder if she remembers... Or if it even matters anymore. Perhaps not... Both she and I are now bound to someone else. I smirk lightly and start to savor the food. Kyoto food has always been distinctive a mixture of taste and different textures. Opposites... Yes indeed that was the reason why back then why I was rejected... Perhaps it still is... Or was it just purely circumstance.

My train of thought is interrupted when Tamesaburou starts speaking to me directly.

"So Saitou-san... Perhaps you and I can speak later..." He smiles, "I've been working on this book, the Shinsengumi and I would like your input."

I glance up from the food and narrow my eyes at Tamesaburou to motion him not to speak in front of strangers... Perhaps to him Nagaoka-san is not a stranger, but to myself he is. He nods in understanding and we drift off to talking about politics, something that seemed to bore Yuunosuke quite a bit. There was something I got out of the whole conversation though, that the moron sitting beside myself, Nagaoka did not think much of the current government... That he would gladly take the opportunity to procure a seat as a public official because of the perks that came along with it. I nod with a wry smile on my face. I do not think I like her husband at all... But it cannot be helped.. Most people in the Meiji now thinks like this, it is true... That the government has quite a few rough and weak spots.. And that is why, I chose to be employed there... To get rid of those unnecessary weeds. Of course I keep my thoughts to myself, there is no need to inform them of my activities.

With the dinner finally finished and the room cleared, the men of the house finally brought out the sake. I no longer drink for many reasons, particularly because I tend to lose my patience so I excused myself to go outside and smoke.

"Do not forget Saitou-san! We'll talk soon right?" Tamesaburou raises his cup and I nod finally heading out to the engawa.

Flicking my match and lighting up, I lean at the wooden column and look up to the night sky. Here in Kyoto, I do not think the sky is as rich as that in Tokyo, although I must say I pay no real attention to these things.

"I didn't know you had started smoking." A voice comes from behind me and I turn my head slowly. I know that voice.

"A man can always have his own demons Hide..."

"So I see that." She moves beside me.

"When did you get married?" I ask.

"When did you change your name?" She replies.

"Why that man?"

There is a silence between us. I wonder if she ever found out I hate silence. Perhaps not, if Tokio has not found yet then certainly someone whom I have not seen in such a long time cannot at all guess. Silence, I remember equating it for support however it is not at all reassuring for a man such as myself. There is no certainty in it, perhaps it is a sign of a strong man to be able to believe, but I am just a man. A man who occasionally needs to be re-assured. She sighs and tucks her hand into the sleeve of her kimono.

"He's a good man, after Souji died I had a hard time coping. Chichi thought that if I were to get married it would help... " I watch her stare off elsewhere "Todou is from an affluent family, he is a good provider."

"Yes.. It certainly seems like it." I say remembering the fine silk that he wore.. and seeing the fine silk Hide is wearing as well. "However... Even Souji would not approve."

This I tell her sincerely... Not to be bitter because I had lost once again, but because this house... This family had always been quite patriotic, they had supported the Shinsengumi. With what I just heard tonight, I question that man's motivations. I hate people who are motivated by money.

"Well Souji is dead and with us supporting the Shinsengumi... We fell into hard times... Of all people, you who survive the Bakumatsu should know this..." I see her shift slightly, "After all you did change your name."

I make no motion to dispute that. It is true... There was a time when I had nothing... Stayed in Aomori and grueled to get food into my stomach, but that is another story.

"So what has happened to you? The last time I heard of you was that you were fighting in Aizu." She asks.

So she did get my letter. I try not to scoff at her... I had sent her several letters before to let her know I was still alive, barely maybe... But -still- alive. I had given up though when she did not answer a single one of them.

"Maa... Fought.. Lived.." I tap the ashes to my side. "I got married also."

"That's good Saitou-san." She turns to me and smiled. I cannot tell at all whether it is a genuine one. Perhaps it is. She's always been like that finding something good in any situation... Then it struck me, what had happened to her. I want to ask but maybe it does not matter anymore either.

"So who is she? The one who tamed the third captain?" Her teasing is very light. It reminds me of old times and somehow eventhough I am supposed to be glad to hear this.. Tonight I am not at all.

"Tokio." I answer her indifferently. It feels alienating to speak of Tokio with her. Tokio and I were also in an arranged marriage... However and perhaps it is unfair of me to say this after we already have a child... But I had never felt passion with her. If I were to put it, we had always been polite strangers. Ah... Why am I thinking these thoughts now? Hide's presence is throwing me off kilter. Finally finishing my cigarette, I throw the butt to the side.

"I should leave. Tell Tamesaburou-san that I shall oblige him another time." I say and walk past her.

"Oh!" She laughs "So that means you'll be staying here in Kyoto for a while?"

"Yes.. I have business here."

"I'm glad to hear that Saitou-san. Please do come by and visit when you are not too busy."

She bows and finally takes out her hand from under her kimono. I wonder what she had been doing with those hands. Maa... That really doesn't matter. Sometimes I think I am an ahou for questioning things a bit too much. I bow half-way and leave.


	4. Hot and Cold Nights at Gion

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Rating will be changed for later chapters.

Chapter 4: Hot and Cold Nights at Gion

I look over the reports again as I smoked a cigarette. So it has been confirmed that Fukukago, the Kyoto Police Chief is indeed involved in the smuggling of firearms. Sucking on my cigarette my head races as to what motives could be behind this and who else is involved. It is quite unfortunate that although I have been employed in the Keishikan now for almost two years, I have not kept up with what has been happening in Kyoto, mainly because I did not expect to find myself back to where it all started and Kyoto is supposed to be the -past-.

Shaking my head slightly, I tap the ashes of the cigarette and leaned on the wooden wall. As Kawaji's letter indicated, I have free reign on how to pursue this matter and Okubo himself will provide support that will be needed information wise and also in the courts. All I have to do is find hard evidence to land Fukukago in contempt. Simple enough indeed but my nose tells me that there is something else behind this and it is not uncommon for the likes of him to have found allies in the local Yakuza even if the intelligence makes no mention of it.

The Meiji government has been in existence for quite a few years, much has changed since then. Mostly in the way the public offices were run. I smirk slightly, I am not an avid supporter of the Meiji however working in a public capacity I have seen quite a few changes being instituted. I believe that they are pushing for a more transparent system, it was only three years ago in June that they publicized government revenue and expenditure. Something unheard of in the days of the Bakufu. Murder for revenge were also deemed illegal, something that we the Shinsengumi learned early on... Embodied by the hatto, that it is not allowed to have private fights. And most importantly a year ago the judicial system had allowed the public to attend and witness civilian related hearings on the court.

I shake my head amused at all the thoughts running in my head. Definitely reform was well under way and yet... There are cases like this one, where I know they will use my skills as a manslayer to save the public face of the Meiji government. I do not care for appearances, but I do care for order and if a government's strength will benefit in the long run this country instead of another uprising, then I will assist as long as it is not necessary to overthrow the current system.

Standing up, I flick the cigarette butt out the window and looked towards the red lanterns that lined the streets. My eyes narrow slightly as I watched the crowds of people go up north where most of Kyoto's residents are enjoying a night of music and good street food. Perhaps I shall join them tonight and re-acquaint myself with memories of the past. After all, I was a manslayer back then... And the mere fact that Okubo himself sent me here to be judge and executioner at the same time, strengthens the fact that Japan still needs people like us back then, people like the Shinsengumi.

At this moment, there is no point in wondering what Okubo Toshimichi has in his mind. Why he would chose me to come here. All that matters is, I am -here- and this is a perfect opportunity to remind the Meiji that an old wolf still has it's fangs. That this era was formed not only through the hands of those who won but also of those who lost and those who have survived like myself.

Why is it that I do not like to roam the streets unarmed, I still cannot fathom well. Somewhere in my head I feel more at ease when I have a sword hidden at my back so I take one fastening it securely before heading out. Perhaps the reason is, it is easier to get rid of an opponent armed with a blade or perhaps the cold steel is like my other arm, an extension of myself. One cannot be at ease missing one of his body parts after all. I smirk at this, that must be the reason for definitely I fear nothing for it is I who kills intentionally. I am always certain of my prey.

"Would you like some sake sir?" A man from a booth calls out to me and I nod my head. I'm not on duty after all and am feeling rather good.

"Would you like some yakitori with that?" He adds and I nod once again, smirking this time. Street food and especially here, reminds me of the time we the Shinsengumi would convene around stalls drinking beer and eating grilled squid or chicken. The Kyokuchou though always preferred yakitori for some reason and sweetened egg scramble whenever he could find one. Paying the man I decide to sit on one of the benches intended for his customers and my mind drifts...

_FLASHBACK_

_"Saitou-kun... Try this!" Kondou Isami shoves a few sticks in front of my face and I try not to scowl... Why were we wasting our time in the festival when there are Choshu to be hunted down._

_"No. I'm not hungry." I try to be amiable so I add a brief "Thanks". I could not move well after all in the ranks as the Daimyo's spy if I get on Kondou's bad graces._

_"Maa... Stop worrying so much." He looks at me as if he could see right through me. I wonder what it is he is thinking?_

_"I'm not worried."_

_He smiles and shakes his head, taking the grilled chicken and started munching on it._

_"I've sent the first, fifth and seventh squad to patrol the area." He says while taking the beer. Of course he says this to re-assure myself. I wonder what he is getting at?_

_"When will they be relieved?" _

_"In an hour, I expect you and your men to join the other squads. Patrol the eastern section."_

_"Alright..." I eye his sake... Of all the things he can offer, that sake should've been the first. He knows I am fond of it. But he makes no motion to offer it to me, so I get up and started to order one for myself._

_"Saitou-kun..."_

_"Yes Kyokuchou?" I tilt my head just slightly annoyed._

_"I thought I just gave you -instructions-?" _

_"Yes and I understood them." Why the hell is he frowning?_

_"I need you sober by the time they get back."_

_I can't help but scowl. He knows I hold my liquor well. "Understood..." I wave the food vendor aside and told him to scratch the sake and give me some yakisoba instead. From the corner of my eye, I see Kondou Isami grin. I'm glad he finds this amusing... At least one of us should. By the time I get back to my seat with the others the Kyokuchou is already in conversation with Hijikata-san so I confine myself and started eating._

_"Ahou... Is Okita-san here?" A familiar voice asks Inoue Genzaburou._

_"Sorry Yagi-san, his shift doesn't end until the hour is over."_

_"Is that so?"_

_"Yes..."_

_She sighs and looks around before finally our eyes meet and she gives me polite smile. I acknowledge her presence and turn back to eating my noodles. If I don't the cold air will render it less satisfying. But she pulls up a chair and sits across from myself._

_"If you don't mind... I'd like to sit here."_

_"Tell me, why aren't you going around seeing the floats?"_

_She smiles, "I live here so I've seen them all already."_

_Of course she has... That was a stupid question to ask. Once again she looks around, I wonder if she is uncomfortable in my presence? I'd ask her why she won't sit with the others but the men of the Shinsengumi likes to huddle around and perhaps a young woman like her feels intimidated by that... Thus she chose to sit with myself, away from all the ruckus._

_"What time will Okita-san arrive?"_

_"It should be soon." I answer back and place a string of noodles in my mouth._

_She pulls a package from her lap and smiles at it gingerly that I start to get curious as to what's inside but I keep my mouth shut about it._

_"Ne Saitou-san since Souji talks so much about you... Do you know what types of sweets he likes?"_

_I almost choke at her question. Souji talks about myself? Since when did I ever tell him things? Yes we patrol together a lot and I do spend quite a bit more time with Souji than I chose to socialize with the others... But I am a very private individual and do not just blurt out things, it is the first requirement of being a spy after all. So with this I let the comment about Souji talking slide, there's no point... And I don't want Yagi-san babbling about tonight either, since there's really nothing to babble about._

_"Maa. Mochi with red beans I guess." I shrug._

_"Just as I thought..." She mutters and looks down, a trace of red evident on her cheek. For a moment, I wonder if I had given her the correct answer but she looks up once again and smiles. "Anou..."_

_"Yes what is it?" I ask my eyes staring back._

_"Can you give this to him?" She blushes and her face for a moment seemed to radiate at the same time. An innocent face, soft and smooth... That I had to shake my head slightly. At that gesture she frowned. "I suppose I should give it myself..." _

_Ah... She misunderstood, but I cannot tell her what I am thinking right now. Why I even think it, escapes me. It must be because I'm supposed to be drinking right now. "Leave it." I mutter, my voice is low and my eyes are staring at the table unsure._

_"Really?" She gets up and hands me the package and I can feel the smoothness of the back of her hands. I'm almost tempted to grab it and examine it closely. "Thank you so much Saitou-san... I'll cook you something tomorrow, since it's rather late, I should go home before Haha ue looks for me." _

_She takes her hands away and I'm left with a white box tied with a pink ribbon. How utterly horrible... Both the box and just what happened. Souji owes me._

_(NOTE: 1. Flashback here is earlier than the flashback in Chapter 3 / 2. End Flashback)_

I wipe the bead of sweat that formed on my forehead and looked up. A hot night, unlike that time the Kyokuchou wouldn't let me drink. I pour myself some sake and stare at the clear liquor. It was an old superstitious belief in Kyoto that to pour for oneself was like drenching oneself in bad luck. I narrow my eyes and with one clean motion drown the sake. Old wives tales are moronic, we lost the war that's true but it wasn't because some of us liked to drink and pour for ourselves...

"Fujita-san!" A man's voice calls out from behind and I frown. Of all the people to meet at the Gion festival... I plaster on a fake smile at this infiltrator.

"Nagaoka-san... Good evening." I turn my head and bowed it slightly. Hide comes into view and an even more wry look crosses my face. "To you as well Hide-san." Why I can't seem to call her by her husband's name is truly pathetic.

Todou eyes my sake and at once, I knew he was a man fond of drink. The way he leered at it, reminds me of myself a long time ago. It takes one to know one I guess, so I raise my cup to him. "Some sake Nagaoka-san?"

"Indeed!" He smiles and immediately seats himself while Hide follows from behind sitting beside her husband. "Ah sumanai... We don't have any cups..."

I start to rise, but he waves me aside. "No worries." He looks at my one sake bottle, "I'll get a cup. Hide does not drink... But it will be a man's out tonight Fujita-san..." He bows in hurry and leaves us. I follow him with my eyes as he snaked his way through the crowd leading up to the vendor. There are quite a number of customers so I made no motion to wait for him and instead poured myself another.

"So you still drink..." Came her voice, low, observant but somehow biting to my ears.

I raise my head to look back at her. "Yes and as you saw I smoke now as well." I smirk.

She looks back at her husband. How utterly sweet. "You should go help him."

"I will." She looks back at me, "By asking you to please do not encourage him to drink too much tonight."

Raising my eyebrows I consider her request. Perhaps I'm just a bastard for I found myself shrugging her off. "If you can't tell your husband what to do... What makes you think I can tell him? And it's his choice not mine nor yours..."

She sighs and I think I can almost read her mind. That time when she told me I was a difficult man, of the worst lot. That time when she was so smitten with someone else. Ah but those are old times and there's no sense dwelling on them.

"Will you stay here and keep your husband company?" I ask.

"That's the duty of a wife."

"I see." I chuckle a bit, "Even if you see him slobber all over himself?"

"I will not tolerate those remarks from you Saitou-san."

I smile at this and at her husband as he came back with four sake bottles, probably all for himself. I grin a triumphant one at Hide. She knows I'm right.

The night passed by with him imbibbing most of the sake and my smoke filling the air. I'm surprised she's still here, had it been a long time ago she'd be running away at the first sign of these vices. Souji was always so pristine and immaculate that they were perfect for each other... Innocent and sweet. I shake my head slightly as I take a very long drag on my cigarette half listening to the nit-wit Nagaoka talk about his massive property and the fortune his father had left him. I feel slightly on edge as his words pour out.

"So you see Fujita-san, in this new age in Japan everything has a price." He hiccups and continues, "Us merchants have gone a long way and the value of being in the samurai class has diminished."

I bite my tongue and nod slowly while reaching for the sake bottle, "Here Todou... Drink some more." And hopefully you'll fall flat on your face, hit a stone on the road, shatter your throat and not say a word ever again.

Hide shakes her head at me but it only served to push me a bit more making sure Todou's cup was filled everytime he emptied it.

"But tell me Todou... It's quite -impressive- what you've done for yourself. Surely I can't attribute it all to your father's legacy." I grin slyly. If I'm so irritated by him, I might as well know everything I can. And if he is to speak let it not be of the past... But to be completely honest, I'm just waiting for the words... The words that will prove true that he is a just the bottom of the barrel and really knows nothing of business. That he is one of those people who leeches of their posterities good fortune.

He smiles and looks at Hide and as I inhaled the smoke, part of it goes straight to my throat and I had to fight of a hard cough.

"Well you see Fujita-san... My father's legacy is only half the story." He nods his head and I try not to roll my eyes. "You can ask Hide, she's seen how I doubled his fortune in only a matter of a few years."

At this, my ears pricked up. So is he saying he's not as useless as I thought he was? I chastise myself in silence. I do not wish to hear this man praise himself more... Especially if the credit was by his own hard work.

"I've started an import business a year and a half ago." He hiccups again, while I keep to pouring his sake. I've not poured myself any as the sake tasted very bitter tonight. "Who would've known importing silk would be so lucrative?" Todou chuckles and traces his hand over Hide's. Reaching for it, he brings it up to his lips. "Hide here has a fine head for practical matters and numbers, so she's had her hand in it too."

He looks at her and for a moment I think his glazed eyes, cleared. It has always escaped me how a woman can do certain things to a man. Just like now, when all I want to do is pummel Todou to the ground... But she puts his hand down and takes the sake I had prepared for Todou.

"Anata, it's getting late." She tells him. I wonder if she saw? I wonder if my face shows too much? Perhaps it is oblivious to a drunk but perhaps not so to her, the only one really sober tonight.

"Nah..." Todou grins and withdraws his hand. "There's still one sake bottle left. Wait a while will you?" He brushes her aside and opens the last bottle, offering me a cup which I gladly accepted.

The conversation drifts off again, this time to the western frivolities that he wants to acquire. A western style sofa, a rug from Persia, some paintings from France... I sigh a bit and light up another cigarette not really adding anything more, watching his eyes droop from time to time. There's nothing wrong with being interested in foreign goods, but there is something wrong with being disinterested in local products. For a moment, I wonder if this is because he -is- an importer but I throw it all for a lack of regard of Japan. Perhaps I'm being biased but no matter how I twist things around, the only saving grace I found in Todou was that he could give his wife everything that she could want, unlike myself who took Tokio almost penniless. Taking Tokio from her affluent family to a commoner's life... Scratch that, an almost imporverished one, all for the sake of pride. I will never let a woman carry a weight that is supposed to be her husbands...

Engrossed in my own thoughts, I did not notice that time had actually passed. The long night finally ended with Todou on the table and Hide looking at me as if for the first time in many years, as if she was interested in what I was thinking. But there is a sour look on her face and she tries to pull up her husband from the table. Scoffing, I rise and help her get Todou up.

"Where do you live? I shall accompany you." I tell her as I drape Todou's left arm over my shoulder.

"Not too far from here." She replies to me, avoiding my line of sight. I sigh slightly, "I did not come to distress you." -Again-... "This is not like with Souji before where I took a chance."

"I know. After all you are married now as well." She answers as I follow her down the street, wondering if there was any point in dwelling upon her words any deeper.

Catching up to her while hauling the small Todou, I notice that her face is now glistening slightly from sweat. To say that tonight was warmer than usual is an understatement, to myself it felt more like a blistering heat in the dog days of summer. Reaching my free hand into my pocket, I pull out a handkerchief.

"Use this." I tell her and she stops looking at the handkerchief for a long moment. I scowl once more, "It's -clean-."

She smiles slightly, the first time tonight. "I know that as well."


	5. Playing with Fate

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Rating will be changed for later chapters.

Chapter 5: Playing with Fate

I read the note over and over again. My son Tsutomu is sick and Tokio wants me to go home immediately. How I steel myself at the mention of my sick son, a bronchial infection that got worse… Immediately I write a quick note to be given back to the messenger and some money too. I cannot be there which is why I have to rely on my wife in these matters. How it disturbs me that Kyoto is so far away from Tokyo and her letter sounded distressed was quite an understatement. But I must trust my wife to handle this matter, the reason I am in Kyoto after all is for them as well. To get the break I've been hankering for all these years… She did marry after all a person who is of lower stature than herself and with that comes the challenges of finances, aside from the fact that I still have to prove myself as worthy to her father. That was the problem I noticed back then, since the go-between Tokio and I was the Daimyo of Aizu himself, her father could not disagree openly…

Sometimes I worry if she doubts me, my loyalty to her and being here in Kyoto I fear it as well. I never did understand why she agreed to the arrangement, I was a complete stranger to her and she was to me as well. How the first night we spent together were uncomfortable but I am a lecherous man and she was a desirable woman in every sense of the word. Our son was conceived not too short of a time after and I was consumed in what I think most people would call joy. But now we face things as man and wife, and I would like to think she will understand the reason I refuse to go back. It is not the time, and Tsutomu's sickness is not grave… If I leave now, when I am so close, I would not only be forfeiting my chances in the Keishikan but also our chances for a better life. I need her to believe in me for this I know will just be one of the many instances when I will not be by her side…

After sending the messenger off, I go back to my room and dressed appropriately. There is a Kabuki play tonight and my target is there. A big shipment of firearms according to intelligence will be docking at 11 PM… What a convenient excuse for Fukukago… He of course is not an idiot and not to have an alibi, I'm just surprised perhaps that they made no move during the Gion festival itself. I wonder if he has an inkling already that we were trailing him. Or, at least the government was.

Earlier I met with what Kawaji called reinforcements, a group of military men who were to assist once we find out which dock it was we were to raid. My job was only to make sure we did find the place and Fukukago would be a nice trophy to throw in jail soon enough. Walking the streets of Kyoto I try to blend in with the crowd, not a hard feat as no one recognizes me here, it has been a long time after all and my hair is short and I no longer sport facial hair.

Giving my ticket at the counter I enter unhindered in the theater lobby and loitered where the light is dimmest just behind corner where I can see who else comes in goes. It does not take too long to see the Chief enter with an entourage and I wonder, if all those people where all in complot. I do not recognize most of them, only a few who were also of the police here in Kyoto. Of course, in this blasted Meiji government, power attracts the corrupt… And the corrupt likes to conglomerate as if they are one big scab to be scratched. I smirk at that, this should make my job easier… All of them in one place to be arrested… However, this is all too convenient it seems.. Surely my job isn't this easy…

"What play is this again?"

"How many times do I have to tell Kazuka? It's the Tale of the Genji?" He laughs, "You should've spent a little bit more time reading the classics and maybe a little less time with your women!"

Sounds of boisterious laughter filled the air as I leaned there and watched.

"Well Fukukago-san, from what I've heard you've had your fair share." Came the jest of another.

The Chief laughs and I shake my head, I would venture to guess that they are all in their late thirties or early fourties and it is uncommon for a man not to be married at that age. But truly I do not care of their private affairs, those are after all just domestic and my purpose here is purely of government business.

"I agree Miyamoto-san! Well I do know of this wonderful teahouse that we should visit tonight if –business- goes well."

That voice… I crank my neck a bit further out to see but quite a few people are now blocking my view. Business… Tonight… So my informant was correct…

"We'll talk about that later." I hear Fukukago reply with a bit of a sneer in his voice, "Todou-kun we're here for the Kabuki, remember?"

"Well yes of course Chief." Finally the crowd in front of me dispersed as they tried to find their seats and there just a few steps away I see TodouNagaoka bowing his head like whipped mule. A sinking feeling tells me that this is no mere coincidence. His talk a few weeks ago of his business importing silk, could just be a cover. My thoughts drift as I followed them inside. In an hour I should know my answer… I sit a few rows behind, thinking of what an inauspicious association this is. It is of course quite clear to me now, but I think of Hide and how once again I fear that I will be obtruding in her new found happiness but this time not out of pure selfishness but by dire coincidence.

_**FLASHBACK**_

"_Let go of me Saitou-san!" She shook, clamored and dug her fingers into my arms as I pushed her against the wall at the back of the compound. My eyes bore on hers as if to devour her that instant. I'm quite hot from the drinking earlier… -My- plan… To borrow some courage from the sake that has been my constant companion these days. I grip her wrist tightly and I breathe into her ear, oh how I want to run my tongue from her earlobe to the nape of her neck… Her smell is intoxicating unlike those women I've associated with in __Shimabara_

"_You want to shout don't you?" I whisper, "You want to call out to __Souji__…" I say gruffly._

"_You're drunk Saitou-san." She pushes me away but I push back._

"_Leave him." I tell her. "I want you. You know that I saw you first __Hide__... Or should I say __Hidejiro__?"_

_She wriggles free of my grip and the next thing I know the crackling of a whip hits my face and when I turned to look back at her, I only see her bare hands red. I grin slightly._

"_How dare you Saitou…" She spat at me vehemently, "I am not just some woman, like the others."_

_I grin even wider this time, "That's why I want you."_

"_How dare you disrespect me like that…__"__ She met my eyes this time, her shaking now gone. Yes I knew inside her was something else that __Souji__ doesn't know for what she showed him was her sweet submitting self, but I've heard her argue with her parents about how she hated dressing up as a boy… How she hated being handled as such… _

_I grabbed her at that instant, "You wanted to be treated like a woman correct? And do you think __Souji__ will know how to do that? He's not even set foot in __Shimabara__." I hold her chin tightly and turned her face to mine. __My lips forcefully finding their way on top of hers, darting into her mouth and finding her tongue.__ For a moment I feel hers fighting with mine and I close my eyes savoring the moment. There is a possibility between us after all. But an indescribable pain shots from my mouth to the back of my neck and blood oozed out from my mouth into hers. I let go and spit out the saliva and blood from my tongue all at the same time. And I realized… That she was unlike __myself__… She had loyalty and honor… To her family, to them and to the pair of eyes watching us bewildered._

"_She's yours…" I tell __Souji__ as I move pass him. I could give my apologies, but why should I apologize for something that should've been mine in the first place? I wonder if she even realized how wrong she was… That I did not disrespect her, on the contrary I dared not to speak to her because I knew who she really was and she wanted to be left alone. But my thoughts are interrupted as something hit my face once again. Rather small but solid fists that found their way to my cheek. If it had been another time I would draw my sword at my friend but there was no point as her answer was clear as day in this dark night._

"_You done?"__ I ask him and rub the side of my face._

"_Yes and do not come near Hide again…" He paused and I can feel his spirit rise to tides almost as dark as mine, "Or you can forget that we are brothers." His hand settles on the __saya__ of his katana as warning and I chuckle. There were unspoken vows between men, that no man should covet his __brother's__ woman… I had thought I could've waited but I was never a patient man, even if I knew __Souji__ was dying. I could no longer wait._

_**END OF FLASHBACK**_

Precisely a few minutes before eleven, half of the men who entered with the Kyoto Chief stood up. I am almost certain their destination was for the docks, so I readied myself to leave. Todou stands up with them and I wait for Fukukago to leave as well, but he does not move from his seat. I'm torn to say the least. For all practical purposes, this particular arms smuggling transaction was large and prior reports indicated that the heads of the Yakuza along with some Keikan did meet for "trust" purposes. I truly do wonder if he knows something I do not… But I was left with no choice as the others left I followed them clandestinely keeping a few paces away. Todou is a fool… I cannot do anything for him, even if I do owe his wife a favor. I have no choice but to put him behind bars after this. Making sure that my flare was ready, I look up towards the woods where I was told reinforcements were to be situated.

I see a modest ship anchor in the middle of the Kawa river and three small boats are lowered with what I can only see as crates and barrels. Not good at all… I decide to abort the mission and run up to the forested area to tell them that Fukukago was not in the party and if we were to apprehend this lot, not only will we not catch the Chief but that shipment will get away as well. I run through the darkness, stepping and crushing twigs all at the same time. But my eye caught the glint of a saber… A soldier running out from hiding, obviously seeing what I saw and taking –action-.

"Ahou stop!" I shout but I'm a bit too late and he is followed by at least another twenty or so men. "Damn it! You were to wait for my signal!" I curse and ran back towards the shore of the river while they engaged in fighting both with sabres and bullets. I pull out my katana this time. A massacre will be happening tonight but as to which side I can only guess as shadows emerge from hiding… Are they friend or foe?


	6. A Hindrance

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Rating will be changed for later chapters.

Chapter 6: A Hindrance

My blade cuts through flesh as if it was paper. I grab an arm and used the dead man's body as a shield. Bullets they pour down like rain. It's a miracle there's just a slight wound to my side. Our"guests" seems to fire indiscriminately and I curse. Who the hell are these people? I crawl on the ground that was wet both from the river water and from the fact that it's started to rain. It's then that I hear a whistle, coming from my right. A loud explosion rips through the side just missing the docks where everyone was.

_Who the hell would have a canon on a covert operation?_

Watching closely at what lied before me, my blood ran cold as the familiar color of blue greets my sight. The Kyoto unit of the Keishikan…? A whistling from the shadows where the police came from grabs my attention and from my vantage point, clearly it is pointed at us… It will be a direct hit.

_Nagaoka…_

"Get out of here!" I shout to all of them but it was too late as splinters of wood pass me, I run for cover. The smoke and debris all mixing in one space making it difficult to see. Another fire from another direction and I scowl… It was just like Toba-Fushimi… A slaughter and it was over in only a few minutes.

Wiping the soot from my eyes, I assess the damage to the men. Most of them who were to be my support are dead… So are the men from the theater earlier, a brigade comes over… I grit my teeth and my eyes dart from left to right and I see an opening right behind the crate so I dashed for it. Panting. Out of breath. I rested my back on the wood and scanned thesurroundings. The nameless face of the smugglers and military men all thrown together like livestock that were butchered. Some still alive, but as they writhe like maggots, I realize they are better off dead. It was only a few moments ago that this all started… I grip my katana ready to pounce at our uninvited guest. I can hear their voices as they came near and stuck my head out to get a look.

So I was right… I should've known this might happen. I look down to my side where the pain has started to nag, contemplating the odds. Is it possible to fight fifteen armed men all at the same time? Am I faster than their bullets? But I have a duty to fulfill and I know this was a setup… All evil must be slain –quickly-.

Suddenly I hear gunshots. Not one, not two, but several… I look out again. Fukukago himself was there…

_What the hell is he doing?_

Shooting each man sprawled on the ground. One by one the twitching stopped, all twelve men from the military… And the smugglers laid lifeless as they're thrown onto a caravan. The Kyoto Police chief was cleaning his tracks!

_Why are these men letting this go on? Aren't they police officers? _

"What will we do with all these bodies sir?"

"Haul them all to the precinct."

_To the precinct? Didn't you just murder them? _

"All of them? How about them?" The smaller man points to another pile of bodies dressed in uniform.

_Yes what will you do? Why the hell are these men following him? Didn't they see?_

"Bring them all to the Precinct. Make sure to file a report." He crossed his arms and grinned smugly.

"Yes sir!" He scampers off, dragging one of the bodies with him.

_Idiot… Do you think you can get away from murdering members of the armed forces? _

If he thought he could get away with this massacre… But I could just go ahead and kill Fukukago –at least-. With his men there, I might not come out alive but this operation is botched already and my hands are bleeding. There are no witnesses so I have no choice… I lift my back from the crate, quickly scanning where I should bolt from and what direction. Fukukago was a good distance away from his men, a perfect opportunity...

"You still alive Todou?"

I stop and craned my neck back to look. The idiot was still alive after all… But with a gun pointed at his head, he wouldn't have very long to live.

"Fukukago… You traitor…" he gasps.

I watch as Fukukago pull the hinge of the barrel to reload the revolver… I could wait… I was under no obligation to save Todou's life. He was part of this whole affair and chose this path… If he ever got out of this alive…

_I would've killed him by my own hands…

* * *

_

**FLASHBACK**

_It would be better if he was out of the way…_

There they are again, sitting on the engawa and the children running around playing tag. Souji gets up and runs after one of Hide's brothers, Yuunosuke. How foolish… How –childish-. I avert my eyes and pressed the knife harder on the rough wood. It slips my grip and I end up cutting my palm instead. A deep cut that sent me gripping my left wrist tightly and dropping my project to the ground. Blood oozing out just like it was water, they drip on the engawa and I head inside to go to my room.

_What an inconvenience…_

"Anou… Saitou-san." I stop right at the door and turned around. "Let me see to that."

"No I'm fine. It's just a scratch."

She frowns but reaches out for my injured hand. I can see her cheeks are flushed a bit. Withdrawing my hand I turn to open the door, but she grabs onto my arm. "Wait for a moment. I'll be back with some salve and bandages."

"Alright." She leaves quickly and I sit on the engawa inside the Yagi house. I could of course wait for her in my room but something tells me that could be disastrous… And I might frighten her again. I'm actually quite surprised she's even talking to me. It's still uneasy after what happened the other night, when I completely lost it with her and got caught by Souji. The effects of drinking making itself apparent… Making my inner most thoughts apparent.

Although it was my fault that she got revealed to Souji… It was only a matter of time before her father told everyone the truth. In a way, I felt saddened and relieved at the same time. Sad that I was no longer holding her secret, it was I suppose something I had deemed a bit significant, something only her and I knew… And kept the others at arms length. But now that her secret was revealed, she was now free to be herself… To choose… A slight wind interrupts my thoughts and my eyes drift over to a bed of flowers… Camellias, chrysanthemums, orchids and a small ugly looking bud of red completely out of place in a sea of white. Curious I stood up to examine it more closely. What an irony in a bed of beautiful flowers.

"Hold out your hand Saitou-san. Let me look at it." I do so and she takes it. She has such small hands, that if I were to close it in mine. It would fit perfectly, I thought wryly to myself. She makes quick work of it, all the while her cheeks deepening in their reddish color. I could almost pity the girl. But I know it's not because of any hidden beguilement towards myself, just the fact that she was brought up to be modest and not used to these matters. She finally finishes wrapping my left hand in a bandage and I turn again to that bed of flowers, to that ugly red one.

"Do you know what that one is?" I nod over to the whithered red petal.

"Oh those?" She smiles. "Those are dog roses… They don't quite do well in summer."

"I see."

"They do well in colder months…"

"It looks like it's dead."

"Oh no no." She laughs slightly, her face still red but her brown eyes were so beautiful. I catch myself staring at her and look to the side quickly. "They're quite hardy flowers Saitou-san."

I nod and turn, "Thank you Hide."

"Hai… Anou... Saitou-san?"

I keep my eyes on the ground, I can't quite look at her again. "Yes?"

"Will you and Souji please talk? He won't say a word but I know he's been wanting to talk to you again."

I swallow hard… I'm not sure if it's a request I can grant but I nod my head in agreement nonetheless and head for my room.

**END OF FLASHBACK…

* * *

**

"I'm a traitor? Come now Todou…" Fukukago smirks and I find it a bit agreeable. It –is- better if Todou is out of the way…

"So you will kill me?" Todou laughs and croaks a bit, "But you will keep your hands off my wife… and my family. They do not know of this."

"I've never thought of that Todou…" He laughs again and kicks Todou's side, sending the small man into a fit of spasms. "But that was a –good- suggestion. Thank you for letting me –know-."

_Damn it! That idiot! _The hair on my neck bristles... I'll have to kill Fukukago now –definitely-. I wait a bit more once the corrupt Chief pulls the trigger and ends Todou.. I will finish the job right here.

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

I run down the dark alley, separated from my men. We had found a group of Ishins who were putting up placards aimed to rattle the populace and make fun of the Bakufu. It was chaotic enough that I could hear screams to my right, my men have probably caught up with them. –Good-. I dart and burrow to the right, there were sounds coming from there. From my vantage point I see that Souji's been separated from his men also and was fighting a group of eight men. He was out-numbered but I knew he was a good swordsman and should be able to handle himself well. So I headed the opposite direction to met up with my unit.

"Go back to the hellhole you came from!"

"By order of the Bakufu! Identify yourself or you will be slain right here."

I smirk at that. They don't know who they were up against. If there was one thing to be said of Souji, it is that he is great with a katana. The tingling and clanging of their swords reaches my ears… and then a wracking cough that was too familiar.

"Ooh… I didn't know the Shinsengumi recruited sickly boys." One of the Ishins laughed and I stopped in my tracks. I –could- turn around. Again I hear the squealing of blades. I can almost see Souji face to face in close combat.. A squeal which meant the battle was too close for comfort. A loud thud follows and I hear his breath, panting… I'm at the other end of the alley quite a few feet away and yet I hear him… His haggard breath… The ringing of his sword… I can almost hear his heartbeat.

"You will die by my blade, boy." He says and I turn my head to see Souji with his knees on the ground.

_It would be better if he was out of the way…_

I watch as the man pummels Souji with the handle of his katana. I just stand there and watch as he rolls on the ground and then is beaten like a dog by the others.

_Traitor… Where is your sense of honor?_

I wince… My gut twisting and turning… Am I? Have I really lost it? I watch as he lays there, with a foot over his chest. That man's foot stepping on my best friend just as if he was an animal. A trophy.

_That idiot! You can't lose to an __Ishin__ dog!_

Anger… An indescribable anger courses through me on what I'm not sure but I found myself gripping my sword, my left hand bleeding at the tight grip and I launch myself in his direction. I could swear I flew that time, the perfect gatotsu was meant for his Ishin head. Right in between his eyes I impaled my katana so deep that it burst his skull and then I pull a horizontal slash to gut his brain… Sending little splatters of hair, skin and cerebral debris to the ground. After stabbing him one more time, my eyes flared at the others. Challenging them to come and die. Idiots will –always- be idiots and come they did…

My blade took off on it's own. Hungry and angered. It rips through their skin, their bones, their innards as if it there was nothing but air. My mind blacking out, not making any distinction on what is strategically best… One does not really think when he is killing someone… It is like eating… Only you eat flesh and blood.

"Saitou-san! Look out!" I turn my head and at the end of the same alley one of my men was pointing to my left. I glared at the man in front of me but could not twist myself well enough to send my katana snapping to his gut. I try to of course and end up twisting my ankle instead, losing my balance. This man's eyes were like mine… Ablaze and intent to kill. I smirk at my end. At least I got to see his face…

Blood… Splattered on my face… My uniform…

_Am I dead?_

_I'm still breathing…_

His body slumps on top of mine and I scowl. "Get this slime off me now Souji!"

Souji smiles at me as he takes his katana out from the Ishin's shoulder blades. I push the lifeless body to the side and Souji takes my arm, pulling me off the ground.

"Mou Saitou-san… You scared me back there…"

I throw him a glare, "You almost killed me."

He scratches the back of his head and laughed. "I'm sorry but there was no time to pick a spot…"

I look at him. Aghast at myself. He did not hesitate and I –did-.

**END OF FLASHBACK

* * *

**

_Traitor!_

My head snaps and my eyes narrow. I do not have time I realize. He's dead if I do not make a move. But…

_It would be better if he was out of the way…_


	7. Golden Afternoons

Chapter 7: Golden Afternoons

There was no choice. The light blinding the guilty, his accomplice and I the damned… Rushing like muck, half blind and grabbing the detestable Todou while Fukukago was as blind as bat from the outburst of light. Todou scrapes my arm and I turn. The Kyoto Chief is squinting and I consider burying my katana at the pit of his stomach. Instead I hurl the flare gun, hitting his face. He'll be disposed off later. I need him alive as well.

Having no escape by land, I dragged us into the cold waters of the river, quickly maneuvering under the docks. Old and slimy wood bring out their own stench while seaweed and water splash against my face. Of course Todou's weight slows down our escape and from behind I can hear Fukukago barking orders left and right. A manhunt it seems will be conducted tonight, so instead of going back to Todou's house or my lodgings, I head to a small shack deep in the woods that not even Kawaji knows I found for myself.

Looking behind as I drag Todou like a rice sack, I see he's not that badly hurt. So I continue and pull him. A little dirt and some dead twigs shouldn't hurt –too-bad. Really he should be thankful he's still alive.

Once inside I deposit him to a corner and he rolls to his side.

"Tch…" I scowl at the weakling. Even Souji at his weakest point would not show such despicable display. Deciding to examine him, I forcefully pull his body against the wall and look to where he's clutching. Pulling his hand away, I see he's been cut and was bleeding. But as any expert swordsman would know the cut looks worse than it really is and did not hit any vital organs.

"You'll be fine Todou." I say and rummage through a small box looking for bandages and my cigarettes. Life-savers I call them, the cigarettes. Lighting one up I throw a piece of cloth and the bandages to him. "Put pressure on that wound. Then wrap yourself up with the gauze when the bleeding stops."

Todou looks up to me and I frown. "What?"

"I've not… had to do this. Hide always…" He looks down as my glare became harder. Well his wife is not here and I am certainly not doing him anymore favors tonight. Not that I call this a favor. I need him.

I turn and puff on my cigarette and I can hear him groaning behind me. The one bad thing about blade cuts that do not leave you dead, is that they sting enough so that you wish you were dead. Throwing him the pack of cigarettes and my matches, I say no more and consider our next plan. Who is next and how powerful is Fukukago? And the most important question is why…

"Do you have any close relatives?" I pace the floor.

"My uncle and his family lives here in Kyoto. My sister is in Fukushima."

"Does Fukukago know of them? Of any others?"

"No. Just my wife…" He tries to breathe more evenly as I watch, "We keep pretty much to ourselves."

I throw him a piece of paper, "Write down your uncle and your sister's address. If you want them to be kept alive."

Standing up, I give the idiot another scowl. He –deserved- it. After he handed the list to me, I pulled him up by the collar and pushed him roughly towards the side. His head hits the corner of the table making him grunt. "Fujita-san.. What are you?"

But he never got to finish as I gagged his mouth tightly with the same bandages from earlier. Taking out a rope, I bind his hands and his feet. He almost looked like a suckling pig. A grin dances on my lips.

"I need to get your wife. Don't even try to escape; I'll follow you to Shanghai if I have to." My hand shakes in anger, how easy it is to just take my katana and gut him right here. Reluctantly I pull away and head straight for the door. If they find them here then it's his fate to die tonight. If not then he's one lucky bastard.

It's good that Hide allowed me to accompany her the other night. Finding my way was easy enough, I surveyed the area and there were no signs yet of disturbance although I'm sure there will be. Deciding not to go knock on the front door, I scaled the walls and let myself in. The place is dark, so the attendants were probably sleeping already. Picking the lock was easy enough… The hard part would be finding where Hide was. Sliding the shoji doors one by one, I found more unoccupied rooms than I'd care for… And found another where three people were fast asleep. I move pass that since I know, Hide should be by herself alone. I scoff a bit knowing that had it been any other time, Todou would be in the same room with her… Like I was at one point.

**FLASHBACK**

I tuck the small package of tea under the sleeve of the kimono. I knew from watching that she loves tea. As I walk down the street feeling a bit light, I remember how each dinner we've had accompanied tea in all its flavors. Hell! Who would've known there's so much variety of tea? Since I've never been a tea connoisseur… Not once did I care for it until now. She'll be delighted I'm certain; this green tea came straight from Ito Shizuoka. Land of tea… At one point the home of one of the greatest Shogun, Ieyasu.

As I enter the compound, I caught sight of Souji going once again into Serizawa's room. I just chuckle at that. He doesn't know what he let go of. Women like Oume, should be avoided no matter how beguiling they are nor how attractive… I stop for a moment wondering what it was that Souji was doing in there and if Kondou-san knows. Most probably not, for the Kyokuchou was very protective of Souji and he would've taken measures against it… But that's not my business. My only business is… I turn and walk further down the engawa passing the dog rose and into the back end area where the whole Yagi family were pushed to live in. The Shinsengumi practically invaded the whole place, except for this.

I see her there sitting, sewing a small shawl.

"It is getting cooler." I say and leaned at the wooden column.

"Yes it is." She gets up with a smile on her face and I'm tempted to ask who the shawl is for.

"Did you like the play the other night? I know the Tale of the Genji must be boring…" I chuckle and look away. No one knows we've been going out secretly. Everyone else thinks I'm just being my dutiful self and surveying the area… No one really asks questions of me. Even Hijikata-san doesn't. I am his trusted spy after all. It was convenient for in truth the afternoons were spent with her, drinking tea that turns my stomach. Ah but it's tolerable… The past weeks have been precious to me. I've never felt more alive in those golden afternoons, even if they were spent hiding. I never did know how she managed to meet me outside… But that doesn't matter as long as she did. Were we doing something wrong? Certainly not! She and I were free and all the clandestine meetings were spent talking.. And was more for Souji's benefit, although I wonder if he'd still care. Wasn't he too busy with Oume?

She laughs slightly and I watch her from the corner of my eye. How many months has it been? And now able to finally talk…

"It was… wonderful…" she looks down for a moment and I thought a frown escaped her face, "Hajime."

Suddenly I'm confused. A frown and yet she calls me for the first time by my name. No… I am mistaken. She called me as someone familiar; -surely- she did not frown. I just grin knowing how wrong I am. They're over. It's –us- now. Her and I.

"Don't ever call me Saitou-san again." I say under my breath. "That name is good."

She looks back at me with a puzzled look on her face. "Why?"

"I like it when you call me that."

_It's who I am… My real name was after all… Yamaguchi Hajime. A long forgotten one._

She smiles and starts to laugh. A hearty one that makes me believe that perhaps… I could make this young woman happy. That I –do- deserve her.

Taking out the tea from Shizuoka, I slide it towards her. I can't quite take her into my arms. Who knows who might be watching?

"Oh tea!" She almost squeals and I raise my eyebrow. "Thank you Sai.. Hajime."

I contain myself from bursting out to laughter as she puts it against her nose. If tea can be digested through the nasal area… Well she was making good work at it. My eyes settle across the garden, the dog roses where actually starting to bloom. She was right they do better in colder months… It's autumn already and it was time for a change. I never wanted to be her friend after all. I needed her. I wanted her…. And when I looked back, her little round face radiant… I decided she will be –mine-.

"Hide…"

"Yes Sai.. Err Hajime." She laughs again. "It might be a while before I get used to that."

"It's alright." It's a habit and –bad- habits are hard to break. "I'll be on patrol tonight and tomorrow late… But meet me for lunch? There's this soba place around the corner that serves an excellent serving of Kake soba…"

"Oh but I can cook!"

I chuckle, "You are an excellent cook."

"Will you bring some to my room then, before I go out tomorrow? I'll be free early in the evening."

She pauses and I can see her cheeks turn to a crimson color. It wasn't –exactly- what I had in mind but… Perhaps with this I'll know. I wait keeping my face straight, but my heart sinks at each passing second. My stomach is starting to twist and turn sending myself to spurts of agony. I close my eyes… Resigning myself. I should've known it was too early. That she wasn't ready.

"I'll be there."

Sharply I intake a breath. What a relief… She did not reject me. I turn and I'm sure there's a damnable smile on my face… A smile from ear to ear, that seems to hurt as much as it was embarrassing. I nod at her… Something to look forward to. Just like the past weeks, when I stubbornly refused to succumb to any enemy because of those short but golden afternoons. Before she can change her mind, I turn abruptly leaving her. I should go out… Take care of a few rowdy men in Mibu. Make sure the streets are safe. Or I'll be pissed if something happens between now and tomorrow. It's not just Harada who needs someone… And no, in these troubled times even when I wield a sword, I still need someone. It was her choice now. Not just my lecherous self…

**END FLASHBACK**

I stand in her room just watching her sleep. Her face has some lines now, betraying the passage of time. I never did get the luxury of watching her sleep. She sleeps like a child. My hand unwittingly starts to touch her face and I wince pulling it back.

_What am I doing?_

But old times are hard to suppress, old wants and flames are hard to deny. I swallow trying to think of Tokio and my son instead. There are things that can no longer be changed. Cross purposes… It was never meant to be. I blink a few times, trying to get myself back to the present. But so many memories of those golden afternoons, they slice and dice just like… No a bit worse I would imagine than committing seppuku… Steeling myself, I shake her slowly.

"Hide… Wake up. We need to leave this place."

"Saitou-san?" She looks up and I tear my gaze away. She shouldn't see me. If she sees me… She'll know nothing's really changed. How I want to shout at her… Never to call me by that name… Doesn't she remember?

"I need to.." I clear my throat, "You need to get out of here. Your life is in danger."

"Wait for a moment. Let me get dressed and let the others know…"

"No Hide!" I glare at her, "We don't have time. And the less they know, the safer they are."

Ignoring her protest I bring a hand to clamp her mouth. She's surprised… But I do not want anyone to wake in this household. There's enough trouble for one night.

We steal through the alleys, quickly. Running and occasionally stopping to check no one was in sight. And also so I can take a breath, I've been losing energy albeit slowly it seems.

"What are you doing Saitou-san?"

"Shh…" I motion for her not to speak as a group of men in uniform passes the main road. I look, waiting for them to disappear and then bolted to cross with her in tow.

"Saitou-san?"

We finally reach the forested area and I let go of her.

"You're wet…"

"Don't state the obvious Hide."

"I can't ask you questions and yet you do not allow me to talk. Typical…"

A growl escapes me and I spin around. "Typical? Weren't you the one who…" Clamping my mouth shut, I decide to answer her question instead of going back to what's dead already.

"Your husband was almost killed. The idiot was inv.."

"Where is he?" She grabs my arm and an almost pleading look crosses her face. "Is he safe?"

_That look…_ I narrow my eyes and then spat to the ground, "He'll be fine." _The sissy that he is…_

She sighs in relief and I turn to walk again.

"The idiot was involved in firearms smuggling. Apparently your import business was…"

"No that can't be. Todou is a good businessman… A hard worker." I can hear her footsteps stop and I turn around.

"What Hide?"

"You lie."

"Still can't trust me?"

In the dim light under the moon, I can see her fidget. "He's not like that."

"People will do anything for money. Haven't you noticed he's quite an idiot in that regard?"

"No! I know he values money. He was raised that way and we went through hard times… But he's my husband and I know him best."

I spat on the ground. "Still that naïve? Even the noblest of people have their faults…" _And he's a schmuck…_

"No. I'm going back. You're a liar." She turns and I grab her.

"See for yourself Hide… When did I –ever- lie to you?" _I never did and you know that! _My grip on her tightened that she was wincing by the time I let her arm go.

"Fine…"

We walk in silence… Hard times? I wonder what kind… And how such an idiot took her loyalty.

Reaching our destination, I throw the door wide open. Todou's still on the ground gagged and bound of course. She throws me a vehement look and runs towards him. Immediately taking the cloth from his mouth and she looks at me and I sigh. Walking over, I drew my katana cutting the rope.

"Anata… Are you alright?" She asks… The –wrong- question._ Why is she not asking him what the hell he was doing? _

Moving out of the way, not wanting to hear any pointless drabble, I sit by the door. Sitting up straight just in case we get any unwanted visitors. I watch her as she tends to his wounds. How wonderful… She didn't even notice the now caked blood to my side. Well… Who cares? I'm not dead yet.

_Typical huh? Yes typical of you as well Hide…_

_Notes: Nothing is mine… All copyright owned by their respective owners… Inspired by RK/NHK and a little bit of history._

_Serizawa Kamo – Co-commander of the Shinsengumi_

_Oume – Serizawa's woman_

_Ieyasu – First shogun_

_Shizuoka prefecture – famous for green tea_

_Dog rose – rosa canina_


	8. Long and Gone

A crackle awakes me and the first thing I reach for is my katana. Blast! I was not suppose to drift off like this! Glancing to my side I see Todou laying still, possibly asleep. In the middle of the room I see a pot boiling, the embers were probably what caused the noise earlier. Pushing myself up, I lean on the wall for support but come to realize that my shirt was missing and a bandage had been wrapped around my side. 

"Please don't move." The door opens and I see her carrying some leeks.

"You did this?" I ask blandly.

"Yes. You're lucky it's only a graze but you'll need to keep it clean so it doesn't get infected."

_Woman... I -know- that._ I turn and reach into my pocket for a cigarette, then nod over to Todou. "And him?"

"He needs rest." She bows to me, "I don't know what happened last night but thank you for getting him out."

"Save it for later. You still do not know what I'll do to him."

Without a word she carries on and starts to make some leek soup. There is truly nothing stored here, food was rarely my concern as this was only to be a safehouse for a night. But it seems we cannot leave anytime soon especially with an injured man in tow.

"I'm going back to the city. We need provisions until I can take both of you out of Kyoto." I start to move but a stabbing pain hurts my side and I grimace. _Damn it!_

"You really shouldn't move..."

Meeting her gaze, I narrow my eyes. "Nor can we stay here for long. The longer it takes me to get a hold of headquarters, the more we'll be at risk here."

She sighs, but then looks at me. "You never were comfortable of inaction. Always so impatient..." For a moment she looked thoughtful almost as if she was thinking of someting else, "If you must go, be careful."

"Heh..." I smirk at her, "I will of course." Heading for the door I stop and ask, "Hide? Do you still remember how to use one of these?" Raising the katana I wait for an answer.

"I've not needed to use one for years."

"It will come back to you." Placing my katana at the door I leave.

-------------------

My first stop was the Machiya. Clothes were needed and I still have a sword there that I can carry concealed on my back. Quickly I rummage through my things, changing into a hakama and a loose top to keep the sword hidden. Straightening my hair back, I glance one more time in the mirror and don a cap that hid my eyes. _This should be good enough._

As I was about to leave a rapping comes to my door, so I open it slowly, just enough to get a peek. Seeing that it was only the owner, I went ahead and opened the door a bit more.

"Excuse me sir but a letter came for you." He didn't hand me the letter at once, but instead tried to peek through the door. "There seems to be some odd smell in your room."

"It's been raining last night and my clothes are still probably wet."

"Ah... I thought I did smell mud."

"That's right. Do not worry about it, I'm not." I grin at him, "May I have the letter?"

"Ah of course. It came by express all the way from Tokyo. It must be important." He tries to look inside again and this time, trying to sniff the room.

"No need to worry oji-san. It's a little stuffy but once I air my clothes the room should clear pretty quickly." I start to close the door, "I'm rather tired so if you can please make sure no one disturbs me."

"Alright. But if you do need anything, please don't hesitate to ask."

With an agreeable nod, I close the door. _What a nosey old man..._

Quickly I rip the note open. I already know it's from Tokio, she seems to be experiencing a separation anxiety and quite often these days. A tinge of guilt courses through me as I read the letter.

_Goro come home quickly. There are more pressing matters right now than your duty. Your family needs you. -I- need you. I beg of you come back to Tokyo on the first train when this letter gets to you._

Slowly I fold the note and slip it into my pocket. There is not even time to send a message to her that I still need a few days, nor can I tell her why. Sending a telegram to her with an explanation can easily blow my cover and put her in an ominous position. If Fukukago can control the whole Kyoto Keishikan part of that control must include the telegraph system which uses the infrastructure of the police. I must be careful and besides, I may still be able to make it back in a few days. _Perhaps..._

Idling no longer, I head straight to Shimabara. I am quite familiar with the place, from the old days before the Meiji. However my intent this time has changed and no longer is personal pleasure a business of mine. It's the daylight and the place looks deserted but if one looks closely through the wooden bars, one would know that eyes are staring back right at you. They are like ghosts imprisoned only to be let out by night. I dare not walk in the main road and take the alley instead. It would look quite dubious for a man to be spotted like this when the brothels do not open until the evening.

Finally I see my destination, an old brothel house that survived the bakumatsu. It brings back memories, one in particular that I would like to forget. I'm let in quickly enough and brought to the head mistress.

"It's been a long time Saitou-han." She smiles, as beguiling as ever. "I was starting to think you forgot about me."

I grin slightly back, admiring her from a distance as I blow out a smoke from the corner of my mouth.

"Now Aoi. Don't start with that. Remember it was -you- who turned me down."

She laughs daintily and I grin. It was still the same and we always did have our "fun". Before I knew it she was taking the cigarette from my mouth and taking a short drag herself.

"I like sharing your sake much better." Running her fingers on top of my lips, I stay my hand. This woman has the capacity to make me forget, but I'm here for an important business.

"You'll find that I've changed Aoi." Taking back the cigarette I place it back on my lips before she can reach up. "As I've said, you missed your chance."

"The lovesick fool who stole money for me... Has changed?" She grins and takes a step back. "I'm disappointed. As I recall you only came here when you were... Ah how shall I put this? Down in the dumps." Coyly she starts to play with the buttons of my shirt. "Did you ever catch that girl? I think I deserve an answer after all these years."

At once I felt my eyes narrow and a frown escapes me. "That was a long time ago and it's -none- of your business."

"I see. So you never did catch your little sparrow" She moves away and sits on the table. "Come now, tell me what it is you want. You were never the type to pay a visit out of the blue."

So it begins, no more beating around the bush. Taking a note I prepared earlier I hand it to her. "That is to get to the Police Commissioner."

With a raised eyebrow she asked, "What makes you think that I'll do you a favor without getting something in return?"

"Just remember who -stole- for you." I grin slightly and look around, who'd have ever thought she'd use the money to get in this type of business. But that is not my concern as those who come in and out of Shimabara, they always do so out of their own free will. Raising my hand as a gesture of goodbye I head back out from where I came, still hearing that low laughter coming from her office. If anything can be said of Aoi and I, it was that we were kindred spirits.

------------------

By the time I get back to the shack, it was dusk. It was easier to get lost in the multitude of people in Kyoto during this time and escape unnoticed to the woods. The news going around town and in the flyers have gotten me rather uneasy. It seems Fukukago is not only a cruel man but also an intelligent man able to control the press and make last night's massacre as his shining glory. Caught in the crossfire huh? I'm not however surprised as rarely is any worthy foe dumb like a mule.

Entering, I hand the supplies over to Hide and look Todou over.

"He's just fallen asleep." She answers for him and I shrug.

"There's some medicinal powder to help him, I couldn't find anything else without going to a clinic."

"These will do just fine."

"How do you know that?" I tilt my head a bit skeptical.

"This isn't the first time I'd be treating an injured man Hajime. When the civil war was at it's height my father's house became a shelter for the injured Bakufu soldiers. My father's fortune was diminished during those times... Not that he had any doubts of what he wanted to do."

I simply nod. I knew her father well, an honorable man ready to support the Bakufu. "He was a good man. It is unfortunate he would succumb to illness."

At once her face drops and she turns to wake Todou. Not wanting to see whatever it is, I decide to take a rice cake and eat outside. Slowly the red sky turns purple and crickets start that annoying regimen of theirs. Feeling a bit dizzy I lean on a wooden beam and close my eyes.

The next thing I know, someone is shaking my shoulders and I awake with a jolt, my eyes adjusting to the darkness. _What the hell? Did I fall asleep again?_

"You really need to take better care of yourself. Just because you've been galavanting out in the town doesn't mean you've recovered." She says in a stern voice.

"What do you care?" I say without much thought but I dare not look in her direction, knowing she was probably aghast at my rudeness. Quickly I light a cigarette and start smoking.

"I'm not your keeper, I know." Her voice was quiet and I wait for her to leave but she didn't. "But I've seen so many like you who take themselves for granted and..."

"Maa... I'm nowhere near like your father or Souji or anyone else you know."

"I wish you would not speak like that."

"Then stop talking to me. Go inside and tend to your husband."

"I did what I could for him."

Suddenly I hear something, a low sniff? I turn to catch her discreetly wiping her face. _Oh brother... Now I've made her cry?_

"What's all this nonsense all of a sudden?" I ask and cross my arms.

"Nothing... Nothing important."

"I do not like liars." I mutter under my breath. _Stop that moron!_

"I just remembered him that's all."

"Who?" _Get on with it Hide._

"Chichi..."

I'm surprised for a moment I thought she was going to say Souji. But for a moment I felt relieved at hearing her father's name instead. _Deplorable... Even to a dead friend, you act reprehensible._

"He died doing what he wanted to correct? Besides an illness is an illness we cannot choose the time and place when we die." I look up and watch the white smoke hovering above.

"He was in need of care... After the war, I told you that we had almost nothing to our name. Even that house was to be sequestered by the Meiji government."

I frown knowing the reality of those who lost. There was a reason why I work inside the Meiji now, there was too much corruption on most levels. Acceptable men of the Meiji like Kawaji and Okubo were an exception not the norm...

"You got to keep your home." I tell her, "at least that."

"But that's not what I wanted." Finally she stops wiping her face.

"So what is it?" I do not turn but watch her from the corner of my eyes.

"I just wanted him to live..." A long silence followed before she finally spoke, "I had married Nagaoka-san and we were able to give him the care he needed and for a time I thought he would pull through..."

This time I flick the cigarette to the darkness. What was I supposed to say to that? What was she trying to say? But what baffled me most was what came out of my mouth even though I tried to clam it shut.

"Be content with what you have, Todou as much as I do not like him, seems to care for you." Standing up, I take her hand and found myself gritting my teeth, "Come. It's getting late."

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Rating will be changed for later chapters.


	9. The Wounded

A week has passed and still nothing from headquarters. I pace wearily around the shack, partly to guard it and partly because I'm starting to grow a bit of a cabin fever. Not to mention that I'm down to my last two packs of cigarettes, which will only last me another day or two. 

"Fujita-san, Hide has prepared lunch." I turn and see Todou, a little hunch backed but moving nonetheless.

_I'm not really hungry._ "I'll be in -later-." With a shrug I continue and walk further away.

"Wait Fujita-san!"

With a sigh I turn, "What?"

He trembles a bit before opening his tiny mouth. If I could see through the sleeves of his kimono, I bet he is fidgeting. "What will happen to us?"

"To you?"

"No to Hide and I."

I'm surprised he corrected me. Really I'm certain he's more interested about himself than his wife. Slightly I find myself groaning and reprimanding myself for not thinking straight.

"I will make sure you land behind bars." With a frown I cross my arms, "And do not even think you can get away from here. You won't get far."

He smiles slightly and shakes his head, "Do you really think so low of me? Even if I could get away, I cannot run away from myself."

Sneering at this, I take a long drag. "Good. That saves me the trouble of hunting you down then."

"But how about my wife?"

His wife huh? Truly times have changed and although my past asks to spare Hide, another part of myself fuels old hurts to the point that I ask myself what are truly my motives for dragging her into this. "Your testimony will go a long way to clear her of being your accomplice."

"You know she is not involved in this. Why don't you just let her go?" Todou steps in front of me, his eyes burning fervently quite a contrast to his contorted body, "I know about the past, perhaps not in it's entirety but you were one of the men Yagi-san sheltered! And as far as I can see, there seems to be a history between the two of you. I saw how you look at each other!"

"I suggest you keep your mouth shut." Quickly I push him back, making him lose his balance and fall to the ground. "I won't deny what you said but let's make one thing clear my personal opinions have no bearing in this matter. And whatever happened back then is no longer of importance."

"Heh..." He starts to laugh slowly, "So I was right." Grasping on a tree trunk Todou pulls himself up, "I no longer care what happens to me, I'm sure you will see to it that I spend the rest of my days in jail. Although I find that would be convenient for you, at least with Hide I have nothing to worry about."

I watch as he leaves with a triumphant smile on his face. What the hell was he implying? Closing my eyes, the drumming in my ears just seem to grow louder. No, he is wrong. I am a man with a duty to fulfill to the Keishikan and to -her-. My hand slips into my pocket and grasp at the note from Tokyo. I need to get back to Tokio soon. Where the hell are they? Damn escorts!

------------------

That evening just after a quiet and rather strained supper, I felt a presence approaching the cabin. Quickly I excuse myself and take my katana. Towards the direction of the south I hear some bushes rustle and I hide behind a collage of branches. At once I see a man with a straw hat and I get out from hiding.

"Where are the others?" I ask looking around.

"Sir there is only myself."

"Why?" I ask rather surprised.

"The Chief advises that you leave Kyoto immediately but do not enter Tokyo."

"I see." Even Kawaji is being very cautious now, perhaps he is under the gun of the military. "Did he say why?"

"No sir, but between you and me... I have heard rumors that the Chief is being stripped of his rank for the blunder here in Kyoto."

Feeling the hair on my neck bristle, I shake my head. "I assume those are our provisions." I nod at the pack on his back, "I'll take them inside and tell Kawaji that I will contact him once we find a safe-haven."

"A carriage will be waiting for you at the Mibu Temple, he advises that you take it to the next city and board a train from there."

The messenger leaves and I enter the house and open the package. Clothes, money, passes and even idenfication. Kawaji thought of everything... I frown at that. If the mission had not ended in such a scandal, none of this would have happened.

"Hajime what is that?"

"Our ticket out of here." I say and hand her a fresh set of clothes. "Get dressed, we leave tonight." I say gravely. "Can he walk?"

"He's doing much better." She tells me with a small smile. She's probably relieved that he's recovering well.

Taking a glance at him, I mutter, "I do not think he can walk up to Mibu..."

"No of course not. That's too far even for you." She looks up at me with a wry look on her face.

"Take him to the outskirts of the market, take the baggage with you that way they'll think you two are peddlers."

"Don't tell me..."

"Someone has to do it." I turn to meet her gaze but found myself staring just a tad too long so I avert my eyes. "Be careful Hide."

A soft hand placed on my arm almost made me flinch and I place it back on her lap. "I will meet you there."

------------------------

It took a while for me to decide where to take them. My home in Akashi was out of the question and eventhough Kawaji advised against entering Tokyo, sometimes the best hideout is the one which is the most obvious... Besides I need quick access to Kawaji and although I hate to admit it, I have been weary about what is going on in my own household. So that is the circumstance that we found ourselves knocking at the door of an old friend.

"Saitou! Yagi-san!" He exclaims and I have to grin slightly.

"What brings you to Tama?" I nod over to Todou who was draped on Hide for support, "Unfortunately I need you to treat this man first."

"He is my husband, Matsumoto sensei." Hide answers as Matsumoto takes Todou and sits him on a western style sofa. Immediately he calls for his "tools" and I just watch from a distance as he starts undressing the bandage and inspecting the wound. This man knows what he is doing, he's treated many even Okita with his uncurable illness.

"I'll have to take him to the clinic." He turns to us. "Although the swelling has stopped the wound is not yet closed."

"Will he be alright sensei?"

"He should be. The wound is healing well, whoever took care of it initially did a satisfactory job."

I smirk slightly at that. Who would've known she would make a fine nurse?

"Saitou-kun, the rooms at the back are still available. Please get yourselves settled in. I will be back in half an hour." I nod at Matsumoto and take the bag.

"Wait Matsumoto Sensei... Perhaps I should go with you. You will need help and I..."

"It's not really necessary and I think you need some rest Yagi-san." He smiles and I leave the room, still hearing Hide insist to accompany them until the voices faded off as I walk further along the engawa. Nothing has changed it seems, even the old bamboo fountain is still running.

_FLASHBACK_

"Where are they?" I ask taking off my chain mail.

"At the back, Okita-kun is feeling much better today than usual." Matsumoto sensei smiles and suddenly pats my back, "I'm sure they'll be glad to see you."

I look back at him and wonder if I should break the news first to him, that the Kyokuchou has been captured and was sentenced to be decapitated. But I decide not to tell him, at least not right now, not until I break the news to Souji. Thanking the man, I proceed towards the back where a traditional japanese garden greeted me in it's beauty. At once I caught sight of him sitting near the bamboo fountain, I was just about to call out to my friend when I noticed that he was with company. Standing there for a few moments, I watch as she helps him take a drink from the clear water. It's been a long time, months since I've seen her and longer still since I've spoken to her. Walking up to them slowly I take on an air of confidence and plant a grin on my face. No longer will I be that person she knew, if only to keep the peace between Okita, her and myself.

"It's a wonderful day isn't?" I look up, pretending to look at the trees.

"Saitou-san!" A feeble voice filled with enthusiasm croaked out of his lips. "Why didn't you send word that you were coming for a visit? I was starting to think you have died."

Stealing a glance at Hide, she nodded slightly and I acknowledge it, but as quickly as that happened she started "busying" herself with the garden.

"You've got to be kidding Okita. You know that we will not lose this war." I lie. The truth was with the Kyokuchou apprehended, more than half of our men had fled and Hijikata-san had no choice but to ally with the Northern forces and setup camp in Sendai.

His smile is weak but his eyes shone as I give him half-empty promises.

"So Kondou-san and Hijikata-san are doing well then!"

"Of course. Did you expect anything less?" Again I found myself lying and slowly asking myself how I'm suppose to break the news of Kondou-san's capture.

"Of course not." He smiles slightly and turns away, "But you know Saitou-san, I am a little jealous."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "What in the world could you be jealous for? This place is rather agreeable and you are with Yagi-san an excellent cook." I chuckle slightly trying to lighten the air but as Hide looks up I avoid her line of sight.

"Times like these requires men to fight. I am dishonored sitting here like a weakling."

Spying Okita's fist curl into a ball, I nudge his shoulder and frown. "There are many who would trade places with you and there is nothing dishonorable about this. You need to recuperate first then you can join us again."

"Do not patronize me!" Souji gets up shakily and Hide at once grabs his arm to lend him support but Souji pushes her away. "I can stand on my own damn it!"

"Souji..." She starts but then looks at me, "Saitou-san I think we will be going inside. If you'll excuse us."

I nod and head to the living area to don my armor. I was wrong of course to say that to Okita. It must be a big blow to him to be confined here helpless when only a year ago he could still mettle with my sword. Of course I spoke out of line, out of context. He didn't know I spoke of myself and once again I failed at keeping the past in check. Realizing that I've been standing there immobile for quite some time, I shake my head and half drag myself out. Untying my horse from the tree I get on.

"Wait!"

Turning the horse around, I see Hide at the entrance. She runs up and hands me a bento. I take it without much resistance.

"Please forgive Souji."

Placing the bento into my sack, I answer without looking at her, "He didn't mean it of course."

"Hajime, why did you come here?" She prods. And I would've told her the truth... It was -not- to see her, but that was unnecessary. "Kondou-san is to be executed in a few days. I came to tell Souji that."

She gasps and covers her mouth and finally I meet her gaze. The truth was, Souji didn't need to know. So my journey here was unnecessary and I lied to myself. "It might be best to keep him in the dark."

"Oh kami-sama... Not Kondou-san..."

"Do not worry yourself. I will get the Kyokuchou from the Ishin for sure. Take care of Souji." She stands there and nods. For some odd reason I'm still standing here waiting. _But for what?_ Quickly I whip my horse to gallop. I have wasted enough time.

_END FLASHBACK_

The water still flows and the sound of the bamboo hitting the stone surface brings me back to the present. Sliding the Shoji door open to one of the rooms I deposit our small baggage. But eventhough I was exhausted, I knew sleep was not coming anytime soon so I went to where the fountain was and started washing my soot ridden face. Finally I settle down to sit on the cold stone bench, watching as the lights turned on in the room adjacent to mine.

_She didn't leave? No... Matsumoto can be just as stubborn as I am._

* * *

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Rating will be changed for later chapters._  
_


	10. Fragile Bonds

The cold night wind that lulled me to sleep earlier, took a bite of my skin and so here I am groggily walking back to my room. I see a sillouhete behind the paper door but I pay it no mind, it's probably the servant. 

"There's no need to fix this room. It's late and I can do it myself." I say not looking back as I remove my katana and jacket and place them over the tansu.

I hear a low voice, "just let me do this." and I turn.

"You shouldn't be in here." I tell Hide and take the sheets from her hand. Kneeling down I lay it flat on the futon.

"Neither should you Fujita-san."

_Back to Fujita?_ Rising up, I move away to sit near the door and lean my tired back against the wooden wall. "My job is not done yet."

From this distance, I can spy a small smile that settled on her lips. "Some things never change. But your family must be worried sick about you. Hasn't it been a month already? And now we are here in Tokyo..."

"Now that Todou seems to be -better-, what's my assurance that you and your husband will not try to escape?" Not waiting for a reply, I light a cigarette and start smoking. If I have had a replacement then perhaps I would try. The damn Keishikan and all it's secrets... What has that idiot Kawaji got himself into now?

For a moment, an uncomfortable silence enveloped the room as I continue to drag on my cigarette, I started to think that she had no decent answer to give. But as she stands up and kneels in front of me, I'm surprised as she starts to speak, "If you go tonight... Then you have assurance as Todou is sedated and I cannot get to him this late."

A disdainful smirk passes through my lips as smoothly as the while smoke exits, "So you do not deny that you will try to escape once I take my eyes off the two of you."

"I owe my loyalty to my husband. I shall do as he pleases."

Lowering her eyes, Hide bows her head slightly and with a low chuckle, I stand up and shake my head. "Then I suppose I should get going."

With an air of efficacy I close the door behind me, my gloved hand slightly shaking but for reasons unknown to myself. Perhaps it's because I made a mistake and left my katana in the room.

-----------

It was a full half hour of walking before i found a carriage to drive me back to the heart of Tokyo. My knees were trembling by the time I sat inside. It is rather irritating that the body can give out so much faster than the mind. Even with the nap I took earlier, my head continues to bob as if my neck was made out of soft clay. Giving up, I close my eyes once again. It should still be another hour before we reach Ueno...

_FLASHBACK_

It was inescapable, it has been a week of constant avoidance on both our parts and I mutter a curse as I enter the garden. Harada as usual is being his light hearted self, laughing as he moved that shoji piece.

"I win again Yagi-san!" He smiles at her and I narrow my eyes. Is he another one she has her eyes on? Keeping to myself I take out the small tanto and the project I've been working on for days. I had been carving incessantly trying to stay my need to spill blood. It's better to take it out on wood than or an Ishin Shishi rather than…

_Wonderful…_

Souji comes from behind her and covers her eyes.

"Guess who this is?" He says and sounds of laughter from the three echoed.

"Okita-san! Stop or you will not get any mochi for today." She turns to him as he lets her go and sits beside her.

"Oh you're losing again Yagi-san!" He points to the game and moves a piece. "There you go!"

"Oh don't help her Souji." Harada frowned.

Souji just laughs and starts to get up but then breaks out into a coughing fit and I turn my head, watching. He's been growing more ill with each passing day… Immediately Hide is by his side and I do not know whether to get angry or get concerned. I start to get up to pummel my friend for being sickly but Harada's on the case and I sit back down breathing a sigh of relief that we do not have to be in the same room with Hide just a few feet away. He doesn't know of course Souji can sometimes be oblivious to things going on around him. His best quality of being pure and innocent lends him to be rather naive as well.

After half an hour I decide to leave and get myself some lunch. There is a soba place that I have been a patron of just down the street. A middle aged man takes my order and I sit there quietly, trying not to think… And instead think of our business as part of the Kyoto Shoshidai. Hijikata-san has left me to handle internal affairs and with that comes managing the daily affairs of our members. I tap my fingers on the table… We need more room, we can't just keep on imposing… I must make my recommendations somehow and move out some of the men… And perhaps move myself out as well…

"There you are!" A slap hits my shoulder and I spin around ready to unsheathe my katana.

"Oh Saitou-san! Stop being so tense!" He smiles and sits down. "I might not be in the best of shape but I still am the best swordsman ne?"

He chuckles and I shake my head and found a grin, "Yes you are Okita-kun." And not just that… In stature and in someone's eyes as well.

The man brings my order and laughs as he saw Souji. "Oh Okita-kun! I bet you did not come for soba like your friend. Give me a minute and I'll get some mochi."

"Thank you Masaki-san!" He laughs and as soon as the old man left he turns to me in silence. "Now Saitou-san… Out with it!"

I look up from my bowl, "Out with what?"

"You've been quiet…" Narrowing his eyes at me he continues, "And just so you know as usual, you can talk to me."

To talk to him? I almost balk. Him who was my best friend and yet who denied me my happiness. I continue to eat in silence. How I hate not being able to speak my mind. He sighs and looks out the window and smiles. Following his line of sight, I see the reason, Oume, the woman sleeping with Serizawa. Clearing my throat, I catch his attention and nodded towards the mochi.

"You were so engrossed with her that you didn't notice Masaki-san bring his compliments."

He chuckles and scratches the back of his head and I stay my hand as it wanted to knock him on the head.

"How are you and Hide doing?" I ask as I took a sip of the tea.

"Oh…" He smiles and blushes, "It's been fine."

"Indeed…" I frown and look away. But he places his hand on my shoulder.

"If you're thinking about that time. Don't worry about It Saitou-san. You were drunk!" He smiles, "I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding. Hide's not your type after all."

I nod my head slowly. Yes we do not mix well… For the many times I tried, the only time it went somewhere was when she thought she did not have Souji.

"Well Souji… I -know- you will take care of her. She is a good woman." This was it. The end and I give up. For the first time in my life I have given up on something that was important to me. "She loves you. Remember that."

He nods and blushes once again and I envy him. All of him that I could not be … Perhaps one deserves the other, they were both from respectable samurai families.

_END FLASHBACK_

----------------

Dreams... Even dreams can be so real but some are better forgotten as always. Opening the window, I see our destination was close and I don my cap. It was an ungodly hour by the time I got to Ueno Park, as usual I ask the driver to let me off a couple of streets from my house. An old habit to ensure no one knew where I lived. Old enemies are still alive, particularly those men who had followed Itou once. My eyes are always watching in this regard - besides I have heard rumors that a certain "hitokiri" was spotted in various parts of the capital. One day, I shall meet him and deal justice as a former member of the Shinsengumi. But for now, I open the gates quietly. There is no light in the getsukan, I have always instructed Tokio to leave it on for security's sake. But that shall be discussed later, after all she is probably upset that I had not kept contact with her for such a long time.

Entering the house, I found it quite odd, the smell... But I ignored it and go directly to where I expect to find Tokio deep in her sleep. But alas I do not find her there and the hair on my neck bristles just as I found myself breathing harder from the stench. A creaking sound coming from Tsutomu's room catches my attention and it's there that I see my wife crouched in a corner hugging her knees. Quickly I remove my hat and kneel before her.

"Tokio are you feeling unwell?"

It seems I disturbed her slumber as she lifted her head up slowly. Her eyes swollen but a haunted look, stared at me vehemently. Narrowing my eyes I try to remove her arms from her knee.

"Tell me what happened." The alarm in my voice was apparent, something occurred while I was in Kyoto, "Did something happen to you? Where is Tsutomu?"

A long burdening silence ensued as I watch her face cower in fear, then her expression changed to sadness… Before a flash of anger crossed her eyes and she spoke.

"You killed our son." Was her answer as she shook, her hands in a fist before they finally found their way to my shoulders pushing me with surprising strength, making me fall back towards the wall. My ears rang and my head slow to comprehend. What was it that she said? I didn't want to understand perhaps. Tsutomu's dead? That can't be… It just can't.

_And you killed him_

My chest tightens and I can't breathe. Clawing at my chest, I open my mouth trying to get some air but I vomit water instead.

_Stand up ahou! Your wife… _

After my vomiting fit subsided, I willed my legs to stand up. Why they seem heavy as lead… I curse and punch the wooden wall busting my knuckles and splintering the wood beside me. The wound in my injured hand opened and it stained my gloves. Removing it quickly I toss it on a table beside my hat and then looked to my side to see if I've started bleeding there again too. That would just be my -luck-.

_Your wife needs you…_

She suddenly disappears out of the room. Away from me... As if my mere shadow burned her. It was easy to see in those stark dark eyes. Shaking my head, I decide to stop being a masochist. I can hurt -later-. I'll deal with myself -later-. Quietly I follow her to our bedroom and found her lying on the futon, whimpering. I sit beside her for a moment but she turns away. Steeling myself, I lay beside her and slid an arm around her waist.

_I'm sorry… I didn't mean to not be where I was needed. _

"Tokio…" I start to say. Not to explain, there is no explaining in this case. It was my shortcoming. This life I gave her. The loss of our son. It wasn't just a shortcoming… It was a curse that I brought to her.

"Stop it. I don't want to hear your excuses." She says and pushes my arm away, "leave me like you always have."

"Tokio it's not."

"Leave Goro!" She screams as she turned to push me off the futon. I look at her wondering if I'm doing anything right at all, it seems I'm not. I should at least let her have peace for the night. It seems I cannot console my wife… And those burning questions, asking what and when it happened… For now is out of the question. I decide to sleep in my son's room. The light is still on and I sit beside it, knowing that my son used to as well… Bad dreams were not meant for little boys… Nor was death.

_And you killed him._ I look up as if someone just said those words again to my face, but there was no one there. Only myself and this sickening feeling of being a murderer.

* * *

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Rating will be changed for later chapters.   



	11. Difficult

How long I've been standing here on the engawa, I do not know. My chest feels quite heavy after brazenly going through my last pack of cigarettes. The sun is already high up and I figured it must be close to noon... and I must get going. But something keeps me rooted at this place unable to move forward nor back inside the house. I grit my teeth not knowing what to do.

The sound of the gates being pushed open grabs my attention and I look to my left. A tall man, a few years younger than myself enters and our eyes meet. At first I didn't recognize who it was, but as he narrows his eyes at me, I finally remember him. We never got along well in the beginning and this time... Who the hell knows? Not making any false pretenses, I watch as he draws near as if he wasn't even there.

"So you finally came." he says and I merely nod. "Is she feeling any better?"

"No." My reply was short. It is better to keep it simple with him.

"You should not be leaving her alone."

"I'm not."

He walks into the house and I'm sure he just sneered as he passed. I sigh... If anything, I should procure the help of this man. If anyone can reach Tokio now, it is Morinosuke, her younger brother. Willing myself, I head into the house, pass our bedroom and straight to the kitchen. Some coffee would do us all good so I start a kettle. There are voices coming from the bedroom but they are low. If I had the capacity to put two coherent sentences together perhaps I'd bother to eavesdrop but right now all I ended up doing was to pull my hands over my face as if it would clear the cob webs in my head. Shaking my head, I blink and take a deep breath. There are things to do like make coffee for one... Offer it... Then ask... and then leave.

_Again moron? No... Just take the coffee from the cupboard that should be enough._

Three cups, no sugar in mine and an extra teaspoon of the black tea should do me some good. Lifting the tray, my hands shake so I put it down. Better let them get their own... I reach into my pocket to light up but I forgot, they're all gone so I took a sip of the coffee instead.

"She's been like this ever since Tsutomu was buried. Have you tried to make her eat anything?"

Lifting my head, I see he's talking to me so I shake my head. "I've not had time to..."

"Tch! Not have time..." He mutters under his breath, "When did you get back?"

"This morning. I found her..." I cut myself off, "Can you tell me what happened?"

"You already know your son's condition. I cannot fathom why you would leave her alone to care for Tsutomu."

"I was on an assignment." I cough, knowing that my throat is irritated from all the smoking from earlier. "The last time we had him checked, the doctor had said he only needed rest... that the fever and vomiting would stop." I look down trying to think, "He seemed to be recovering well..." Shaking my head I place the coffee cup down.

"You didn't pay enough attention." Morinosuke moves closer to me, "You should have known to bring him to a -better- doctor. If you could not afford it, you should've let me know."

Breathing in, I look to my side, "If I'd have known."

"That's the problem. You didn't." I watch as he crosses his arms, "You don't even know what killed your child."

"Then tell me what it is..." For once, I feel a slow but surging anger, if I could pin him to the wall I would at that instant.

"Tch... there was blood on his stool but you wouldn't know that because you weren't here." My brother-in-law shakes his head, "but then again, a man of your learning could never even try to guess."

He stares back at me, eyes expectant as if he knew I would beg him for the answer. But I've had enough and so I don't. If he wanted to rub my ignorance on my face, he's done that quite well. So instead, I bow slightly. "If you'll excuse me. I have to speak with Tokio."

"Forget it. She won't talk to you. Not after what you've done."

"She can't stay in that room forever."

"And she shouldn't, but what can -you- do?"

Stopping half-way I reconsider, perhaps it is for the best this time. My gut has led me wrong twice already and losing my job now would just make matters worse. "You're right. I can do nothing." Inhaling sharply I ask, "Can you for the time-being, until my job is done... Can you take her?"

"Of course. I am her brother after all."

That indignant answer, reminds me of what a mockery it was back then. How in the world Matsudaira convince him to let me marry his sister was still a puzzle up to this day. Not that it mattered, so I head to our bedroom to procure my things. Thankfully enough he does not follow and I lock the door wanting a private word with my wife. She is sitting by the window, looking out with a forlorn expression on her face. Standing behind her, my hand reaches out to touch her shoulder but she winces and I take a step back.

"Tokio listen..." She doesn't turn and I do not prod her to, "Morinosuke will take you in for now. I... There is still a job I must finish and for now you need to rest. When this is done, we can start over again."

Waiting for an answer, I stood there until I thought there was none however, "Leave Goro."

I blink stupefied once again. "I am for -now-."

Shaking her head she still doesn't turn, "Leave the Keishikan. If we are to start again."

"Tokio I can't. Especially not now."

"You had always been so selfish. So prideful. Wasn't Tsutomu enough?"

There was an anger there that I could not miss, a clay pot that if left in the couldron for too long would crack and break. My presence were the coals that made it unbearable. Grabbing a change of clothes and my cap, I start to leave angry that she would even lay out such conditions. Didn't she know that this was the most important thing to myself? Pitting my dead son against it, was nothing else but despicable. Carefully with much control, I close the door shut and leave.

_You are selfish. You are leaving -again-. She is right even Tsutomu wasn't enough._

--------------------  
This time the journey back to Tama did not take long. I had paid the driver twice the fare as I was weary wondering if my charges had stayed put. Perhaps I was also needing to get away from Ueno just as quickly. I do not know. But I'll think about that later, right now I need to do at least -this- right.

All eyes are fixated on me as I threw the door open. They're in the engawa having lunch. All of them, Matsumoto and his assistants with Todou and Hide. Regaining my composure I wave them aside and take a seat on a rock in the garden.

"Why don't you come here and have some food Saitou?" Matsumoto asks and I simply shake my head "no".

But eventhough I was quite clear, Hide brings over a plate and places it beside me.

"You do not look well." she says in a low voice, "Was there a problem? I figured something must have happened as you are rarely if ever late."

"No. Everything is fine." I look at the food and take an inari. Little did I realize how starved I was as I quickly finished the piece. She stands there looking at me unconvinced, so I decide to change the subject.

"I'm surprised you two are still here. That would've been the perfect opportunity."

"Todou said he did not want to leave. Besides I think you might give Matsumoto-sensei a hard time..."

I shrug. I have been known to be difficult. So what?

"Hajime... Todou would like to give his assistance to the Police that is why we stayed."

"You think he is a man of his word?" I jeer slightly.

"He is better at keeping his word than most men."

She doesn't give me an opportunity to talk back. Not that I was in any position to... Not after last night or -that- other one.

_FLASHBACK_

It was late and although the Fukuchou normally would call for me at this hour, there was nothing going on that could even give me an inkling to what this meeting will be about. Perhaps he wants me to go scout another suspected haven of the Choshuu clan? I sit in seiza as he lights his pipe and blow it languidly to the side.

"So Saitou-kun, how is your woman doing in Shimabara?"

Clearing my throat, I'm surprised that he'd even ask. "That's rather personal Hijikata-san."

He smirks and offers to me his pipe but I decline.

"You've been working so hard lately, I thought I'd let you have three days of personal gratification."

"I do not need one."

"Why?"

He watches me like a hawk and I do not answer. It is better to keep one's mouth shut in these instances correct?

"I think you maybe too distracted here in the compound. And you know that we cannot have our name tainted here in Mibu, especially not those who have been gracious enough to host us."

For a man who chose to be indirect tonight, his warning was not lost to me. In fact, they were as crystal clear as unadultered spring water.

"What I do on my own time should not be your business Hijikata-san." I say evenly. "I have no vile intentions."

"Your intentions aren't in question here Saitou-kun, but your actions. What am I to say to the old man in case something -does- happen?" Blowing a smoke to the side, he doesn't wait for my answer and continues, "You may wonder why we have not acted on Okita, however, he is well respected and loved in this village that even the old man approves of him quite highly. Besides, I know him well enough to act in a respectable manner for the -our- sake."

"You do not trust me then?" I can feel my eyes grow narrow.

"Not in this matter. As I see it, you can barely contain your anger right now." He smirks and I follow his line of sight which led to my fist, the knuckles showing a pale white. "This is only a reminder for your -own- good. You are a man of bushido... It would be a shame to see you -regress- to something else."

"Understood." I bow and leave. He didn't have to say anything else. I knew exactly what I was doing. He doesn't have to tell me how my clandestine affair can potentially put us in a dire situation. Annoyed I decide to take a brisk walk outside so I head for the gates.

"Wait Hajime!" Small hands come out from the shadow of a tree and I'm pulled to the side. "I was waiting for you since I saw you enter Hijikata-san's quarter. You took so long there I was starting to worry." She laughs softly, and I grin and touch her cheek.

"What did you think I was doing in there?" With a wicked grin, I pull her down by the tree trunk.

"I hope it's nothing like what -you- are alluding to." With a gentle slap to my shoulder she reaches up to brush her lips against mine.

"No nothing like that." I whisper but then decide to tell her the truth, "He gave me warning about... ah my -seeing- you."

Suddenly she becomes quiet and sits on my lap, "What did you tell him?"

"Only my intentions."

"And what are they?"

She looks at me so expectantly, so hopeful and an almost child-like naivete that I found myself wanting to please her more. "That I have good intentions of course." I grin, "And that I will not leave you." I'm surprised at the lie. I never said such a thing to the Fukuchou of course, but why not to her? It is true after all.

Through the darkness, I see her eyes shine for a moment before I found myself kissing her again. Tenderly this time, just a tad different from before we started meeting like this. As usual my hands go to loosen her kimono, just enough so I can taste that sweet skin and run my tongue along her collarbone. I tug at it more and it falls limply onto my arms. She doesn't protest as I go down her chest and it's then that I knew she was ready. But i wanted to hear it nonetheless.

"Hide?"

"Yes?"

"You're certain about this?"

"You said you wouldn't leave me. So -now- I'm certain."

For some odd reason, I didn't know what to say and instead stood up and fixed her kimono. I swallow and lead her to my quarters. My wait has finally come to an end. I'll worry about the consequences -later-.

_END FLASHBACK_

* * *

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Rating will be changed for later chapters.


	12. Disease

It wasn't until the following morning that I finally gathered enough strength to do the necessary. My head still throbbed even though I already had two cups of coffee and am now well on my way to Kawaji's residence. Yesterday was a distant blur and whoever bandaged my hand, probably Matsumoto, will not be shown gratitude until I come back... If at all. Besides I'm running late for a meeting with the Police Commissioner. Not that he was going anywhere... Perhaps walking up to his estate in broad daylight was not the best of ideas as there could be preying eyes everywhere, but being a simple cop under his command does not lend me to much suspicion. I am simply a peon reporting for duty after an extended leave, is what I tell the guards. Hearing a snicker from one of the guards, I grin and put on an air of simple-mindedness. If things go well, I'll be nothing more than the butt of jokes, forgotten the next day. The name Fujita means nothing after all.

I'm led into a wide-open tatami room to wait for Kawaji. He comes in with a surprised look on his face and immediately sits himself across from me as two servants serves tea and leaves upon his instruction.

"I told you not to enter Tokyo." He frowns as he takes a sip. I notice his eyes wandering from side to side and I stand up to close the door. "Sit." he says simply.

"Can you tell me precisely what happened?" I ask, mindful of any intruders but I do not sense any.

"I'll make it short, you should not stay here too long otherwise they will suspect you."

I nod in agreement.

"As you know, I was recently promoted to this position by Lord Okubo. I have made some enemies even in my own Satsuma clan for allowing previous enemies of the state to be employed in the police and suggesting to Yamagata to do the same in the military." I watch as Kawaji takes another sip of the tea, "I believe they are using the slaughter in Kyoto as a means to remove me from this position."

"Okubo is a powerful man. Why is he allowing this to happen?" Crossing my arms I continue, "The corrupt police officials in Kyoto do not have the ability to even go against Okubo."

"No... As it is the Meiji government is still split. There are those like Okubo who believes that assimilation of former pro-bakufu clans is the best way to move onwards, while there are still plenty who does not agree and want to further isolate former enemy clans."

"I see. But that does not answer my question. Why has Okubo not stepped in?"

"I've asked him not to. If Okubo is seen using his influence for someone as low as I am, he would fall into far greater accusations. For us to achieve unity in this government, his name must not be tainted anymore than it was during the Bakumatsu."

There are times when even I am surprised. I knew that Kawaji just like myself was recruited personally by Okubo, however I did not foresee such loyalty in this short man. Perhaps the enigma is that I do not owe any allegiance to anyone, and thus expected it out of this man as well placing him in the league of officials who in the end would be corrupted by their new found power and glory.

"You can easily be cleared of this..." I reach for a cigarette but decide not to smoke, "As you know I have two people in custody that could help. One of Fukukago's accomplices decided to -cooperate-."

"That is well indeed, Fujita. My trial is to start next week, bring them then."

"Actually, I was only going to bring one of them. The other I am certain has no knowledge that could help us in this case. She is an old acquiantance of mine. It is her husband whom I have apprehended to go to trial."

At once he looks up, his beady eyes narrow slightly. "An old acquiantance? So you want to grant her full immunity?"

Shaking my head I mutter, "No."

"Do you want immunity then for her husband?"

"Definitely not for Nagaoka."

"So why are you telling me this Goro?"

"I wanted to make it clear that only Nagaoka was present at the scene and upon my further investigation, I have no reason to believe she knew about his activities."

Suddenly a small smirk crosses his lips, "I see what you mean. A word of advise then Goro, keep her out of sight. Does Fukukago know of Nagaoka's relations?"

"Aside from Hide? Not that I know of." I pull a note from my pocket which contained names and addresses, "However I did give him my word that his kin will be kept safe. Have you taken care of it?"

He studies it for a moment, "Yes. As soon as I received the telegraph, they were moved."

"Good. Kawaji... I'd ask for a support person but it seems this time it is probably best we kept this between ourselves." He nods and I stand up and tip my cap, "I should get going."

-------------

It wasn't long before I found myself in a carriage again. My thoughts adrift in what Kawaji and I had just discussed. The turmoil of the Bakumatsu has long passed but it's effects is like cancer slowly eating away at the current government. People are selfish, especially those who has not tasted power before and can now drink lavishly of it. But a strong leader in the midst of wolves can lead it to a sort of order towards one goal, but a weak one could topple an entire organization...

_FLASHBACK_

It was a rainy night in September, I had decided to leave the compound and spend the night drinking at a nearby tavern. The muffled beat of rain hitting the straw rooftops was of little help to distract my mind tonight. The message from Matsudaira simply read, "Dispose of him.". It was the letter I had delivered to Kondou-san yesterday. Funny how a few words can seal a man's fate. Even Kondou-san could not save him now. It was simply too late.

_Will you help Saitou?_ I take a swig of the sake and shake my head.

_Saitou is out. So who else?_

_I will do it Toshi._

_No Kyokuchou. After he is disposed of you will naturally be the leader of the Miburoshi. Your name must not be tainted._

_It would be cowardly of me to excuse myself and let other members..._

_No one will know who did it. We will blame it on the revolutionaries... Okita, Harada, Yamanami and I will kill him tomorrow night after a sake gathering._

_You __can not leave me out of this__,Toshi._

Slamming my fist on the table, the sake cup rattles and I hear a gasp from behind. It was his fault for not heeding the Kyokuchou's advise... It was his fault for acting like a fool, so fond of drink... so fond of women... and of money... Looking up I pour myself another cup and motion to the tavern keeper for another bottle.

The simple truth was, I declined to be involved in his slaughter because I had indeed liked Serizawa-san. He was bushi, an extreme loyalist, faithful to the bakufu. He drank but which true man in the group did not? True men liked their sake as only a true Japanese man loves sake. Simple as that. And as for women? Who has not been to Shimabara? What kind of man would reject a woman who flings herself at your feet?

_I'm surprised you refused __ Saitou__-kun._ I lift my head and look up at the man standing on the engawa. _I thought you were fond of Serizawa and not just of sake that he offered._

I blink trying to solidify the image in front of me.

_I do not think he is evil._

He smiles and I'm damned and confused.

_Neither do I, but it seems we ran out of time. Matsudaira-sama will retract his sponsorship if we do not clean this matter up. If only we had funding earlier on, then perhaps Serizawa-san would not feel it necessary to demand dues from others. Tonight I will go see him before we give him a proper burial._

See him? Tonight?! Quickly I stand up wide awake as if someone just splashed a bucketful of cold water on my face. Grabbing my katana from the table I bolt out of the door, forgetting to pay the owner. There was something I need to do... Just like Kondou-san, I am not a coward and this man need not die dishonorably by unknown hands.

Turning the corner, the water splashes under my feet as it sinks into the muddy road. I see Hirama and his woman run towards an alley and I knew the slaughter has begun. I could've pursued Hirama but there was only one man who needed to die tonight and it was not because I thought he was evil nor was it because I am a servant of the Aizu-han... Why did I not realize it sooner? Unsheating my sword I grip it tightly but I knew the moment four masked men run out of the gate and disappear towards the other direction in the shadows... Behind them was unmistakably Souji so I knew I was too late as I reached the gate of the Yagi house.

Screams come from inside and no sooner had I taken a step...

"Saitou-san... They killed him..."

Looking down I see her drenched by the rain and I run my hand over her face and drag her outside to the opposite road where she collapses on the ground by a nearby tree.

"Shh Hide..." Wrapping my arms around her I pull her to my chest, "It will be fine."

"No... No... I saw him..." She looks up at me with frightened eyes, "I saw him..."

"You didn't see anyone." I say - there is something that must be kept silent tonight.

"No I saw him!!!" She bangs on my chest, frantic and with a scared look in her eyes, "Souji was there..."

Holding her closer, I wait for her fit to ebb a bit. Calmly I turn her face up to look at me. "No I saw the men run out of here." I blink, something was stuck in my throat. It seems there was no way I could give Serizawa an honorable death. "I took a good look and it was NOT Souji, they seemed like country samurai... Probably from Choshuu..."

Shaking her head she refuses to hear me so I grip her arms tightly. So tight indeed that she winced. "Listen Hide... It was not Souji. It was not one of us." Giving her a good shake, I ask again, "Do you understand? It was Choshuu."

"You... Why?" She knows of course I am lying. Those brown eyes perplexed were looking at me in horror. I could explain... Perhaps save whatever was left of my dignity and save face with her. But I shake my head instead, there are more important things now. Things that are beyond her and I.

"I told you. I saw them. They can only be -Choshuu-." Standing up, I pull her from the ground. "You're coming with me. You are NOT supposed to be here."

_END FLASHBACK_

A jolt from the carriage brings me back. Serizawa was done. It was no longer relevant. We pass by Akusa street and I remember that a few blocks down is Morinosuke's practice. Telling the driver to stop, I alight from the carriage and pay the driver, walking the rest of the way until I arrived at Morinosuke's. Being one of the young gifted attorneys in the country, his office was lavish and tastefully decorated with European paintings and furnishings. It is of course necessary for I heard from Tokio that he recently started servicing high-end clients.

"I'm surprised to see you here." He leads me inside and I start a cigarette.

"Can you put that out? You already know that my sister do not like smoking and neither do I because it smells terrible."

I could of course decide not to heed his request. I could especially since I spy an ashtray on his desk. But I need him to answer a few questions so I decide to humor him, with a grin I stride over and put the cigarette out on his ashtray.

"Onee-san is at home, so what brings -you- here?"

"Is Tokio doing well?"

"Much better than being stuck in the house -alone-."

I fake a small smile, "I'm glad then."

He looks at his watch and then at me, "Well come on. Answer my question I do not like to waste time."

_Neither do _ _I._ "Just a few questions about Tsutomu..." I start my voice suddenly dropping, "Can you point me to the hospital he was confined in?"

"That's quite after the fact. I do not see what good -that- will do." He shrugs and sits down, starting to look through his papers. "I will tell you though that he was in his last few days hyperventilating, delirous and convulating. Quite painful for my sister to see her son spasm, vomit and filth all over himself." He sighs, and for a moment I thought he was indeed distressed, but it was hard to tell as he buried himself behind a folder.

Unfortunately, my fishing is not going well. I am not a physician after all... But still if only to know, "Why don't you just tell me what it was Morinosuke? Let's stop beating around the bush."

"Actually I think it would be better if you visit your son one of these days." He tosses a paper and I catch it with one hand, "Better late than never right?"

Gritting my teeth, I could feel my eyes burning holes to the carpeted floor. "Thanks." Grabbing the door behind me, I slam it shut so loudly that several people in the lobby watched as I vacated the building. There was no sense fighting with Morinosuke, let him think he won... As for myself, I got what I truly came for.

Digging my hand into my pocket, I head towards the direction of the market on foot. I was tired of sitting doing nothing during carriage rides. It was much better this way, to walk and not think. To be distracted with the noise on the street and even more from the market. I bought incense and some yams, the cemetery was a good thirty minutes walk but I was there by the afternoon, removing some straw and dust off his tombstone, I light the incense and open the small bag of yams and sit, leaning my back at the side of the tombstone. Taking one piece of yam for myself, I let it melt in my mouth without chewing. Candy huh? It seemed tasteless this time however, not much like when we would use to sit on the engawa and pick yams by the color of their wrappings. Not that it mattered, the color, yams all tasted the same back then, sweet but children liked that. I pick another, and another, and another, funny how long a few pieces can last, without my knowing it was already dusk... Standing up I take one more look at the yams, all that was left were the ones wrapped in green. I take a couple for myself and bid my son goodbye for now.

* * *

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Rating will be changed for later chapters. 


	13. Privation

"Lie still." Gentle hands firmly press me back to lay on the futon. I make no protest as Hide's hands feel heavy on my chest but I do glare at her, one for ordering me around and second for the loss of my shirt.

"What are you doing here Hide?" I make no pretense to hide my annoyance.

"You passed out last night. Don't you remember?"

"No." Suddenly she runs a warm towel to my side and I wince. "What are you doing?"

"I spoke to Matsumoto-sensei, apparently you never let him look at your injury."

"I was -busy-." Again she moves that damn towel and I grunt. "Can you be a bit more rough?"

She doesn't answer but continues as if she's not heard a word I said. With a sigh I stare up the ceiling.

"You opened your wound, didn't you even realize it? Your shirt was stained."

"No. I had a jacket on. Did you have my clothes washed?"

"It's hung outside to dry."

Pushing her hand away, I sit up quickly and search my pant pocket. The yams wasn't there! Then I remembered I left them in my breast pocket.

"Will you sit still? What is wrong?"

"What did you do to them?" My words were rather terse as I shoot her an angry look.

"I'm sorry but what are you talking about?"

Impatience took over and I raised my voice at her "The yams! I had them in my uniform!"

"Oh you meant these?" Taking something out of her pocket, she hands them to me and quickly I shove them back into my pocket. "Now please lie down?" For some odd reason I feel like I'm being treated like a child. I am certain she just smiled a moment ago.

"Where is your husband?"

"He's in the tatami room playing shogi with Matsumoto-sensei."

"How carefree..." I say with a sneer.

Standing up she walks over to the door and throws it wide open. "Maybe a little sun will do you some good. If you need anything, I'll be in the other room."

She starts to leave and I found myself grunting, "Don't leave." Clearing my throat I continue, "I meant... You can stay if you want."

Turning around, she goes to sit by the edge of the futon and smiles slightly. "Remember Harada-san?"

"What about him?"

"He would always go about the compound looking for someone to play Shogi with."

"You always lost." Better to dismiss the useless subject, I suppose.

"I'm surprised... I didn't think you ever paid attention back then." She laughs a little, "Now that I think about it, you were always so engrossed with that small knife. What was it that you were carving?"

"Nothing of importance." I say as I pull myself up and lean a bit to rest my back against a wall.

"Well for something so trivial you sure spent a lot of time with that knife." Looking up I expected to see a frown but she was looking out the door, intently across the garden.

"What are you staring at?" To be perfectly honest I do not see where it is she is going with that knife. I remember having it a long time ago but I had lost track of where it was. Most probably it was disposed of when I joined Itou, everything started to go downhill from there...

**_FLASHBACK_**

****

"I'm glad you chose to join us Saitou-kun." Itou smiles as he fans himself. "Quite a few men in the Shinsengumi agreed with Sonno joi but does not really understand it's meaning."

I nod and add, "Yamanami was a great loss. The heads of -that- group has overstepped their boundaries."

"Indeed! But we will have none of that here. The Kodaiji group will make sure to further our cause without corruption and such air of self-importance."

Grinning, I nod at him. How easy it is to fool him. Watching him get up, he opens a drawer and procures from it some gold coins. I watch as he lays it before me.

"This is for you and the other half I will give to you, -if- you agree to help us assasinate Kondou."

"I would do it for free but," I take the gold coins and place them securely in my pocket, "I do need this. So what do you want me to do?"

"Lure him out of the headquarters, pretend to defect back to his group. Then tell me the place and time, we'll take care of the rest."

"I can do better than that. I can kill him for you." I show him my sword, "It's getting quite rusty."

He laughs but muffles it by covering his mouth with the fan, "I'm quite sure of your abilities Saitou-kun. I am glad to have a man of your caliber on my side. But enough talk for now, go and enjoy yourself. I hear you've been quite fond of this woman in Shimabara."

Standing up, I wave his comment aside. "I do not mind visiting there." I might as well fuel the gossip that Abe Juuro started, that I was 'dirty' when it came to women. He is not too far from the truth after all.

That night, I left for the vicinity of Mibu with Aoi in tow. It's best for my cover... Anyone who saw me with a woman would know this was nothing more than that.

"This is new..." She laughs and clings to my arm. "It's dark and so romantic."

"Enjoy it." I tell her with a straight look on my face. I'll probably have to pay her extra tonight.

"Well it's your lost. Saitou-han, where are we headed to?"

I point to a nearby tavern. "We're going in there and I need you to find a person named Hide, down the street." It's been a long time since I wandered to this area. It was disconcerting.

"You mean the sparrow you've been complaining about?" She stops in the middle of the road, "I -refuse- to do so."

Grabbing her arm, I force her to walk. "This has nothing to do with that..." Entering the tavern, we sit in a far corner. My eyes scan the room just in case someone looked familiar but there was none. "You remember the Yagi house don't you? I've shown it to you before. Go get her and bring her here."

"I already refused..." She frowns and I sigh.

"Look... I cannot go up to that house without raising any suspicion. If you pretend to be an acquaintance of hers..."

"Even if she was to meet with me, that's no assurance she'll come. Or is she that naive to believe anything I say?"

"Say whatever you must but do not mention me by name."

"Why don't you just write a note and I will give it to her? Don't you think that's more efficient?"

"Just do what I tell you to do Aoi." With that I stand up and order some sake. Aoi was right of course, a note would've been a lot easier.

Aoi didn't take long... I knew if anyone can get things done it would be her. I've barely finished my third cup when she came in dragging the woman I wanted to see. It's been months since I've last seen her and whether it was the alcohol or just the mere fact that she was wearing a rather beautiful kimono... I found myself staring as she sat opposite from me.

"Well here she is... Are you listening to me?" Aoi asks and manages to sit beside me. "Bah!"

"Can you please be quiet Aoi?" I tell her as I try to discreetly move her hand away. She pouts and seems quite insulted by the act but I ignore her. Turning my attention to the young woman sitting opposite from me, I ask, "How is -everything-?"

"It's a lot more quiet, with everyone gone." She says not meeting my gaze.

"That's good." I say evenly, while turning the note in pocket over and over. I can hear the crumpling, albeit slightly.

"I hear you left them." Her tone tells me it's still there, the pain, although I can't quite place whether it was truly because of my leaving the Shinsengumi or if it was -my- leaving -her-.

Nodding my head, "I did."

"Father's quite angry at the news. How could you do that?"

"It doesn't matter, he's been angry for quite some time already." I don't have to remind her of course of what happened. I do not regret it. I am not a man for regrets.

I can see her shift in her chair uncomfortably and I start to wonder if I chose the right person. "Why did you call for me?"

"On a completely different matter..." _Definitely -not- to see you... Definitely –not- to explain myself._ Taking out the note, I hand it to her. She looks at it but just shakes her head. I know better than not to disguise my messages, especially at such sensitive matters like these. "I need you to give that to the Kyokuchou as soon as possible. It is -important-."

Looking up to me, she holds the note tightly, "You should go back and hand this to him yourself. I have no doubts that he will accept you back."

"That is no longer possible Hide." Anyone who leaves the group is subjected to seppuku. I wonder if she has forgotten.

"Then if you are abandoning your duties completely... Why don't you start a more peaceful life Hajime?"

I'm struck. Those words, I felt something beat wildly inside of me that I found my other hand gripping the handle of my katana to control myself. Did I misjudge her? I was certain she never forgave me back then... Certain that her naive mind could not understand why I left... I was content to believe that she finally had enough... Content that she believed I left her because of Souji, because I was petty like that.

"Oh Saitou-han has -many- plans." Suddenly silky arms started to snake it's way around my shoulder. I bit back the harsh words I wanted to direct at Aoi for such a display.

"Sometimes Hide, things are best left the way they are." I pause and look her in the eye, "Can I be assured that you'll have that to Kondou by morning?"

She nods and I turn to Aoi, "Please accompany her back..."

"No Saitou-san. I can manage by myself." She stands up and bows to both Aoi and I. Following her with my eyes, I wonder when I can see her again. I should've asked what they did to my things... There were quite a few things I left in disarray.

"Snap out of it..." Aoi slaps my arm.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I sneer and take a swig of the remaining sake.

"You men are so easy to read. If I wasn't around, you'd probably have dragged her to some corner."

"Tch... You are completely -wrong-." Annoyed I take another cup of sake. Those days were now long gone.

"Am I? Perhaps I am." She frowns, "But let me tell you this, you will regret this day for a long -long- time. After all the trouble I went through to get her here."

"Well then, I suppose I should pay you double tonight."

"No. You will owe me more than that I'm afraid."

With a smirk, I look her over. Tonight I think I can appreciate the "company".

**_ END FLASHBACK _**

She doesn't answer my question right away; instead she shrugs and just like me seems to be lost in her thoughts. It took her a while to answer but her response was predictable. "Nothing really. I was just thinking I used to spend a lot of time with Souji in that garden. This was his room."

"This room has a good view." I say just for the sake of saying -something-. It would not be good if she notices, I'm much more engrossed with my own thoughts... Especially with that time in the past.

"Yes and I hope you take better care of yourself."

"I'm not Souji." I blurt out. _I've never been... _

"Why do you think I'm comparing you to Souji?" She turns towards me with a frown on her face.

Cocking my head I raise an eyebrow, "You were just thinking about him yes?"

"I was a little, but for the most part I was thinking of Kondou-san. While he and Souji was recuperating here, he sent for me knowing that Souji was probably never going back to battle. He asked me for a favor, to take care of Souji in his place." She points towards a momiji tree, "It was under that tree that he asked that I should also take care of myself."

I do not say anything because it was not a surprise. The Kyokuchou was -that- kind of man. If I had not met Kondou Isami I may have continued down the wayward path after killing the son of that hatamoto. The words are still clear to me to this day about the river and how it turns. How a man can choose his own path even against the currents. _Is that why we lost the war? Fighting for a lost cause... _

"Father told me that during his trial, he tried to clear the name of the Shinsengumi. That you and the others were not rebels."

"It was a futile attempt especially without the backing of Matsudaira..." My eyes narrow and I found myself boring holes on the floor. It has been such a long time since I've allowed myself to think of them. It was bad enough that I didn't afford Tokio the time that was rightfully hers, there was no time to think of the dead, of lost face... We were not strong enough and even in Aizu I had to hide my true identity from most. It was our fault they said, our fault that the Aizu clan was now considered the enemy. It was the Shinsengumi, the rough edged bastards who abandoned Aizu for Hakodate.

"So you knew?"

"Of course but that is the -past- Hide."

"Do you not care?" Her voice is quiet.

It took me a while to answer. "I went back to the Aizu clan. Matsudaira tried to make amends for his mistakes." Finding my cigarette beside the futon I light up a stick. Matsudaira bowed down to the Meiji, perhaps for the sake of his people but at what cost? To sever his ties with the bakufu and admit that we, the Shinsengumi were indeed enemies of the State, but what was worse he allowed his son, a mere toddler to become a puppet of the government... In that light Kondou as a casualty was nothing compared to what we had endured living ostracized up North, but I have no right to criticize him after all I took a job in the Meiji government.

"Does going back to Aizu, change the fact that you were once with us in Mibu?"

"You would not understand..." Reaching for the basin of water, I tap the ashes of my cigarette into it.

"Shimada-san is in Nishi-Honganji. He is a priest there now. And I hear Nagakura-san survived as well. He is in Hokkaido."

I shrug and stand up. These were all in the past and although my desire to know whether they have continued the fight was strong, somehow I managed to appear unconcerned. Besides it would be best to let sleeping dogs lie and I have other concerns.

"Shimada-san refused to acknowledge the existence of the Meiji government..." She continues to speak, as if she did not see my refusal to continue on with this discussion. "Nagakura-san has a family now and is going by a new name just like you... By the way, so how was your visit with your family?"

I do not answer. I was not sure what to tell her.

"Please stop with this silence. It makes me uncomfortable just like before." She goes beside me and smiles. "We are still old friends regardless..."

With that I found myself nodding and taking out a yam in my pocket, "I brought these for my son. It has been a while since we've seen each other."

"You've been in Kyoto for at least a month, he must've missed you."

Noticing that she was eyeing the yam I pulled out from my pocket I offered it to her. "I was very glad to -finally- see him." Any longer, I swore I would've probably taken Morinosuke to the precinct and let him rot there till he spoke, even if he was Tokio's beloved brother. But I got what I needed out of him, it's just that... "I wonder if he'll forgive me..." Surprised at hearing myself mutter it out loud I take a quick drag of my cigarette.

"You might be surprised at how generous children can be. How easily they can forgive mistakes." She smiles and holds onto my arm, "Hajime, you shouldn't worry so much. I'm sure your wife is making sure he understands."

Suddenly a surge of anger courses through me, unexplicable that with one push I manage to trap her against the wall her head between my arms. Sneering down at her with a vile look on my face, I spat unguarded words. "Always so clueless aren't you? Don't give me your pretty words Hide, especially not when it comes to my family. Well come to think of it, you and Nagaoka don't even have children of your own. How can you a woman who doesn't know what it's like to be a parent, know how I feel?!" _I killed him... It was -my- fault. I ignored Tokio's pleadings. If only... I had listened._

Quickly without warning my anger is matched with a fire in her eyes that I have seen only once. Her voice was terse, clipped and unbecoming. "I had parents. I -was- someone elses daughter! I had siblings that I took care of. Just because I do not have a child does not mean I am -worthless-!"

Slowly I lift my arms off the wall. Stunned that this conversation had somehow taken the wrong turn. "That's not what I meant." I say searching her face. A barren woman, in this day and age they were cursed... "Sumanai... I didn't know... Does he?"

"We've stopped trying." Casting her eyes down on the floor, she pushes my arms away. I catch wrist to turn her towards me but a voice loosens my grip on her.

"What's going on here?" Nagaoka comes running into the room and before I can stop her, she's already by his side.

"Nothing Todou... Fujita-san was just being stubborn about his injuries and I got annoyed." She manages to laugh it off and I can't help but stare.

"Well I'm sure Fujita-san does not like to be fussed at Hide." Todou laughs slightly but gives me a knowing look, "If you keep that up, he might just have to fuss over you as well to make it -even-."

My fist curls up into a ball ready to fly at his face at such a comment. Concealing my hands in my pockets, my eyes dart back to the woman beside him. No... It can't be as he says. He can't possibly know what I am thinking; after all I am still enamored with Tokio even if I had allowed her to stay with Morinosuke. We have problems, yes... But that too will pass. He's wrong... Completely -wrong-.

"Excuse me..." I walk pass them heading to the back area where my clothes were hung up to dry.

Her problems are not mine... I tell myself and besides Nagaoka has not left her in spite of knowing this. Not many men would do that, being barren is a valid ground for divorce in this country. I know for I made that mistake with my previous wife, Yaso. I married her in haste, to cover up an old wound but she could not provide what I wanted... Then Matsudaira came along to set me straight with a proposal; a place in the Meiji, a young wife and connections I could not refuse. I was a horrible man back then, perhaps up to now. Lighting another cigarette, I sit under a tree beside the well, the rays of the sun peaking through the leaves. The brilliance blinding my senses...

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. This is just fanfiction. No money involved just plain hard work and sleepless nights. Also this is not a Saitou x Tokio fic. Alternate pairings involved! Rating will be changed for later chapters.


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